How can you bless me
Then curse me at
The same time from
The same mouth
Out of the same body?
You Devil-God…
Love me.
Leave me.
But don’t beg
Me to stay.
Category: Depression
The Caretaker
Does She Ever Need A Break?
Recently, I thought it would be a good idea to get Jernee a little sister, a new puppy to romp about in our bigger space, but that was swiftly shut down by my Little Monster. Jernee is a jealous girl. Now, I was not 100% aware of this until we opened up our home to the little ones for a visit. The foster mom brought both puppies over, the one for which I had interest and her sister and they had a blast running throughout our apartment. Jernee Timid? Not so much. She stood her ground at each station in our home and barked her disapproval at both pups.
The reaction to these little ones that she displayed made me incredibly sad. I was also a bit angry with her as she has never been mean to little ones before. She is generally a sweet girl, but she is a protector. She has one goal in mind — keep me safe. And to meet that goal, I am now thoroughly aware that she will do anything. Realizing her disdain, the puppies avoided her, they played with each other instead and Monterey, the puppy that I wanted for us, also played with me.
Noticing the discomfort written in the body language of Jernee disappointed me. I wanted her to feel my happiness, to welcome something new into our home, another baby for us to love, yet she clearly indicated that she was not having any of it. The foster mom leaned over to me and said, “I usually tell people with senior dogs to get older dogs as their companions, not puppies. In a sense, they feel as though they are being replaced. Maybe an older dog, close to her age will be a better fit for Jernee?”
And I instantly thought about Nala, who is Jernee’s best friend/big cousin. They grew up together and the two of them are like Frick and Frack and I said to myself, “Why is she so happy with Nala but will not let any other puppy in? Why the wall?” There used to be three: Reese, Nala, and Jernee. Both Reese and Nala are older than Jernee and we lost Reese two years ago. They went from The Triple Threat to Double Trouble. Now with only Nala in tow, she clings. I notice how she affixes herself to Nala when we visit or when I am dog-sitting Nala. She wants her close.
She wants to be sure that Nala is okay, just as she monitors my safety and happiness, she keeps an eye on her best friend too. But, when does the caretaker get her break? When can she rest and let us be without fully being on duty? I do not think that she’s programmed to step away from her job. Jernee is my safe place. She is who I turn to when I am overwhelmed by life — when things weigh me down and I feel like I will break. I can put my trust in her, it is in her, she will love me back to a place of peace.
Of late, there has been a mountain of things that have tumbled down and landed on my shoulders and I can feel the weight pushing into my skin. This is too much for Jernee. I know it. I feel it. I recognize it as a sign to call in bigger guns. I am seeking the help of professionals and have submitted my request for an appointment with a psychiatric practice in our area.
I was detailed in explaining what has happened, what is happening, and how it is affecting my daily life. I left a brief biography and description and also my preference in the therapist who will handle my care. The place in which I submitted my inquiry comes highly recommended by several people, including my cousin Akua (an operating room RN, now a board-certified Nurse Practitioner)who was apart of referring some of their patients to this entity while she was doing clinicals.
It feels good to share my feelings with my cousin regarding my heart health and my mental health as well and to hear her say, “This is going to be really good for you. I am happy you recognize that it’s time.” The Powerhouse is empathetic, wishing that she could share her therapist with me, but we are an hour and fifteen minutes away and convenience is a must.
I want to be myself again. I feel that I am not. I know that I am not. Jernee was/is a gift from God because he matched me with her when I was going through the same battle with emotions nearly eleven years ago and she has helped tremendously, but I feel the pull in my spirit and I am moving in the opposite direction, away from wellness and that must be rectified. Realignment of heart and mind must take place once again and I cannot rely on Jernee alone, although great therapy for me, this task… it is one that is too big for her. I am giving her a break.
I love myself enough to know that I need myself back and seeking professional help is the answer. This will be our new journey.
It is time.
Originally published in The Junction via Medium
Author’s Note: When I begin therapy, I will begin a nonfictional series about my journey back to mental wellness and a healthy heart. I wanted to share this here too just in case you’re in my shoes–just in case you needed someone to say it. Thank you for reading.
unconditional
My dad called last night. We had that talk about me being bisexual. I had wanted to be able to sit with him and discuss things in person, but according to him last night, he had something “weighing on his heart.” He just came out and asked me after prefacing it with how much he loves me and how he’d never stop, also stating that no matter who I am, I am his child first and his love for me will never change.
Him being an Episcopalian preacher has no hierarchy over his love for his child. He also said that he’d known for years but didn’t know how to approach the subject, but he’s glad that I was open with him last night, that I shared myself at my full capacity. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, it was like a casual conversation. I’m grateful for that. I believe, this will open up new doors for us. Expressing how this makes me feel has no words. I don’t think they have even been invented yet.
We all have our skeletons. I am happy mine are out of the closet.
Nothing
If there’s an US, I should not have to keep showing you who I am. And you should not make me feel like who I am is problematic for US. If this happens, nothing is sure to be the result of who we are: the ending.
I Thought To Call, But…
Musical Selection: Ohio Players|Heaven Must Be Like This
it is cold, the snow is melting
after layering the streets of North Carolina
and I am sitting here,
like a fool trapped in her thoughts,
thinking about you and your words.
I thought to call you,
maybe you’d like to reminisce too
but I know you are not interested
in the past the way that I am.
you have always been eager to
run toward the future,
your heart hanging out of your shirt,
flailing on the ragged seams,
pretending to be true.
I was going to call, but
my neighbor forgot to pick
up after his dogs and I spent thirty minutes
arguing with myself about telling him to
handle his dogs’ business, then I remembered
how you used to say,
“You are too passionate about this world”
and I decided to keep my mouth shut.
it is still cold, the elderly woman downstairs
shuffles with her cane and taps the back
of her car and snow falls quickly to
an early death.
she coughs, cancer rattling in her chest and I
thought, I should call you…
but what would I say?
Originally published in The Junction via Medium
*Author’s Note: This past weekend, North Carolina was pummeled by Diego, a storm categorized as a “winter storm” and winter does not officially begin until December 21, 2018. Just my area alone — Winston-Salem, a city in Central North Carolina received fourteen inches of snow. That does not include sleet and ice. Let me put that in layman’s terms for anyone wondering — we received our annual snowfall estimated accumulation in just one day. One day. For a city that is used to measurable snowfall each year, usually not reaching double digits, we have handled it exceptionally well. December 17, 1930, was the last time we received over one foot of snow. Let that sink in for a minute.
Love Is Knocking
I LOVE love. I love it even more when I believe it has forgotten me. I love it even more after that when I remember that it never will. As long as I keep this as the center of my thought-process when it comes to love, I will overcome my fears and feelings of loss at love.
I am winning… I just don’t have a medal yet.
A Cornered Gurl 
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