Category: Pain

The Incredible Need To Be Wanted

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And, How It Slowly Subsides When You Know You Should Want More From The One You Want To Want You.

Javier Ramos|Unsplash

I let the morning pass, sip on my Vanilla Mint herbal tea, steeped to perfection and I think briefly to myself, “Should I check on her again?” I am fighting with the left-side of my brain, trying to understand the logic behind “No us.” I am losing terribly. This is always a no-win battle, and I have the scars to prove it, but something in me won’t let the thought of loving her go. I tell myself that I have been defeated many times before, that I fight well, that the scars that I have earned are healing, but I want badly to have the opportunity to have them heal further while being with her. I know… I know, radical decisions are not usually my forte’, but for some reason, I can see myself nose-diving straight into her life and landing perfectly on my feet.

How do we control what cannot be controlled?

Therapy is teaching me many things, but it is not teaching me this. How does one silent one’s heart? How does one make it be quiet when the mind has everything sorted out? I ask myself again, “Should I check on her?” She disappears from time to time just as I do when life is far too much to handle and taking breaks are the best things to do on the menu of working too hard, but it has been too long and my first email attempt has gone unresponsive.

Respect the boundaries. Respect the boundaries. Respect the…

Something could be wrong, but all could be right too. It is pertinent in life to respect boundaries. If they have been set, established, and agreed upon, respect them. It does not take a genius to know that doing this will more than likely, work out in your favor in the end. What do I mean? You will surely get over it. It will take time, but you will. And thinking of her safety, her heart, her willingness to create beautifully in the sober hours of the night will reconnect with you, but at arm’s length. You will succumb to healing and your days will get better. You will tap into the mystery of you and learn more about yourself because your focus will be on “Letting her/him go.” Your focus will be on learning to know what it is you need from someone else because you’ve truly established what it is that you lack.

It is natural to be wanted, to be loved.

But, it is important to recognize when you are on a one-way street down a highway to hell where you are the only one loving the other. Recognize that, move on, leave the place as quickly as possible, because if you linger, you’ll lose more and more of yourself every single day and collecting your meaningful parts will be harder to recover. Today, I am learning what she cannot give me, bolding every item in the forefront of my mind, and understanding that I have what I need for this time in my life.

I can give me what I need, even what I want, it’s just going to take a little bit more time.

lettre d’amour

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Joanna Kosinska|Unsplash

musical selection: anita baker|giving you the best that I got

lettre d’amour

fiction

The doctors rush towards me, they worry about my breathing. I am dying. I feel it. I know it. I have you. You will carry on without me — you will have my hair, my eyes, my wrinkly nose. You will even have my voice. My sweet girl… This is my love letter to you. Eight months and counting, but counting no more. I didn’t see that pick-up truck at the intersection. I had no idea it was right in front of us.

The brakes!

I thought I pressed the brakes!
My foot stomped viciously on the brakes, but I watched us fly into the truck’s chromed mouth and I prayed. I prayed…

“Save my baby!” I am shouting. I tell the doctors to save you, let me die. They will never know how I planned for your arrival, the gift of you to this world is much more than I can give it. “Save my baby!” I am shouting again. They hear me. There are tubes everywhere. I place my hands on my bloody stomach. I feel you. You are alive. You are kicking frantically, aware that it is time. I will die today. I will die today and this is my love letter to you.

You are the single most important thing to me in this strange world. I claimed your fingers. I already know your feet. You are perfect — my blessing. I used to pray for your father’s presence, for him to spend time learning you as much as I have. It is up to you now. I love you more than the open sea, salty to its taste, but refreshing on a hot summer’s day. I love you more than the lying lover trying to persuade his faithful mate to take him back. I love you more than… this last breath.

Ahh…
Flat___________

The lights go out, I can’t hear the doctors. I can’t see them. I only see you. I only see you — crying in front of shattered glass, windy trees, and the roar of the truck as it collides with us. I am dead.

You are alive.
They saved you.
You are here.

This is my love letter to you. This is my love letter to you. This is my love letter to you.

Zuri, you are my life’s greatest work.

Originally published in The Junction via Medium.

But, how do we stop a world of hate

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When the world does not yet know how to love?

“Trump Attacks Transgender Health Care”

“Access to care is hard now. Religious ‘liberty’ is set to make it worse.”

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

“Transgender people have serious problems accessing quality health care. The Trump Administration is about to make it even harder.

Think physicians and other medical professionals honor their Hippocratic oaths and treat their patients equally and neutrally? The Center for American Progress (CAP) wants you to know that’s not true — not with LGBTQ people at least.

They conducted a comprehensive survey in 2017 and found that 8% of gay people report being refused medical treatment because of their sexual orientation.

That’s bad enough, but a full 29 percent of transgender people said a doctor or other health care provider refused to see them because of their actual or perceived gender identity. Twenty-one percent said a doctor or other health care provider used harsh or abusive language when treating them.”

The excerpt you see above was written by Medium Writer, James Finn. I have mentioned him several times in this space as he is an advocate for the LGBTQ community and seems to get no rest in his efforts for speaking out against hatred and all common indecencies against mankind. I have sat with his article, of which, I will post the link to shortly so that you can read it in its entirety, but first–how? No, really… how can you work your heart in such a way to deny someone different from you healthcare? Or, the very resources and ways that will alleviate an illness or an ailment of any kind? Why… Why would you design a plan to pass a law that will aid physicians who hold conservative beliefs and (in my opinion) garner hate to possibly maintain the right to openly denounce Hippocratic oaths and not serve people who are LGBTQ?

I am sitting here trying to prevent myself from crying because the ache is incredibly strong. Those who base their opinions on that of a Godly source are sadly mistaken in what God wants. They do not know their Bible or they interpret their Bible entirely different from what is written. The second most greatest commandment given to believers and those willing to follow is to, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Matthew 22: 39. The pain of reading this article is so heavy that I at first, did not know what to say or how to respond. I still have not, but I will do so on that post with this blog entry’s link. *sighs* I try to be a source of light–of love. I try to understand all who are different from me. I try to listen, to learn, and to care.

I cannot fathom denying someone a bare minimum human act. At my job, we are under the umbrella of an astounding organization that prides itself on diversity and inclusion and being in the medical field, no one–and I can tell you for a fact, no one in our facility will deny anyone healthcare based on their sexual orientation or any other status that lawmakers feel is out of their accepted realm. We are there to provide care. We are there to give you a sense of comfort, to alleviate stress, to aid in the betterment of your condition, and we MUST DO THAT or we will be fired. There are no ifs, ands, and buts about the situation. We knew this before accepting our roles and that is what WE OUGHT TO DO.

“Religious liberty? Since when is religion about hurting people?”

If you can call yourself a child of God and your aim is to hurt his children, then the very words you let spill from your lips are hypocrisy. God does not honor hate. God does not honor man. God does not honor a sense of selfishness. God honors love and you as his child, as a believer, are supposed to love. SIMPLE AND PLAIN. These days, I am losing strength and a bit of faith in humanity, but I am trying not to shut down. These days, I do not know this America.

These days, I do not want to know this America, nothing about it is great.

Nothing.

*The full article written by James Finn can be found here:

Trump Attacks Transgender Health Care

You may not understand why this is important, but I am living day to day praying that I am not personally targeted while my brothers and sisters are. It’s despicable and it ought to be outlawed. Change, real change–is long overdue.