A Lamentation
But I was wrong.
I am wrong.
And every autumn pulls
up memories — I have tried
to forget, and I find myself
burying those memories
deeper into my mind for them
to arise at the worst time.
It’s the children …
The children push more
pain into my heart than
anything else.
How are they doing?
What activities do you have
them in after school now?
Your oldest should be going
to college …
College. It’s almost hard
for me to say this out loud.
I have missed three years of
seeing their faces, hearing their
voices, and learning about
their lives as new
things occur.
I have resorted to denying who
I am; who I was, but
the pain in my heart about
the children does not lie.
It’s there. It is a constant
reminder of what I have lost.
And as I weave through every
year — no longer your toy;
no longer wrapped up in my
own head about what we
could have been — what I wanted
us to be, seasonal depression
sneaks up on me with
your face as its representative.
I am weak.
I am.
I will say this with
no shame.
I am weak, still, for you.
The dog hops up in
my lap — reminds me it’s
time for her to relieve
herself, and I don’t feel
like moving from a spot
I’ve cozied onto in the
chair.
She still has some
energy even though she’s
past what some say is
too long for a dog to live — she
can spit fire if I am
not quick to meet her needs.
And isn’t that how you were?
Isn’t that what made us
cling to one another?
Your need to order and my
need to take orders.
Weren’t we too blind to
see it could never work
between two women who
were writers so full of
embellished stories?
I thought I’d forget all
about you, yet three years later,
you appear. And no amount
of therapy is sweeping you away
from my heart’s door.
I wanted more.
I couldn’t have it.
I never would have.
At every turn, you would
choose him.
You chose him.
And really, he was the
best decision. My mind
knows this — how about
telling it to my heart?
Originally published in soliloque via Medium.
A Cornered Gurl 
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