keratoconus III

free verse (audio) poem

Scleral contacts in and headed to my optometrist appointment for a cornea check & second opinion on Corneal Collagen Cross-linking. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
keratoconus III by Tremaine L. Loadholt

if you are lucky — blessed — you have 
someone monitoring your health
as best as they can. 
if you’re falling off in any way,
they’re there to pick you back up
and remind you, “There’s still
living to do.”

I now know the importance of
keeping my eyes shielded for 
as long as I can.
wearing scleral contacts for at least
ten hours per day has helped my
left eye, however, my right
eye is progressing.
according to my optometrist, I’m 
still in a range she thinks is “gradual”
and nothing to be concerned about
surgically, just yet.

she agrees with me that we 
should allow the additional six months
and reassess in November to see
where I stand. 
will my sight
continue to betray me or
will it slow its pace in progression
and stave off surgical procedures
for a few years or more?

I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

she also broke down Corneal Collagen Cross-linking
to me in a way that didn’t terrify me or
cause me to fear attending anymore 
ophthalmology follow-up appointments.
she smiled gingerly and said, “I hate to say
this, but most surgeons are trained to give
you the worst-case scenario, and then I 
have to . . . clean up the mess.”

I listened to her as each step was 
explained, reiterated, and filtered to
my understanding, and I breathed a 
sigh of relief. 
if this procedure is needed by the end 
of the year or later, I feel less worried
about the possibility of having it performed.

when one’s vision is steadily running
in the opposite direction of 
the sighted, what does one do?
hope. pray. follow all necessary 
precautions. pray some more.
purchase all the expensive items
necessary for the care and maintenance
of the $3,500.00 each, priced lenses.

Can’t let these go to waste, right?

and as I continue to lose my sight in
one eye, it is strengthening in the other.
what can this mean?
what does this mean?
is there even any meaning to it?

my optometrist is happy with
my vision as it stands currently.
I could see what I needed to see
and people, places, and things
are still sharper in my 
line of sight.
it’s a small thing but a big thing, too.

I only wish you knew how much.

Parts II & I

Originally published in A Cornered Gurl via Medium.

NaPoWriMo #28


to be loved, deeply loved
is what I crave, but …
I fear it, too.


isn’t that a conundrum
that shouldn’t be a

there’s this little thing
called t r u s t that
settles itself at the
hem of my garments and
reminds me I have
a hard time with it.

and I move on
knowing the struggle
continues and only I
have the power to
overcome it.

maybe tomorrow.

NaPoWriMo #22

never been us

four years later, I
see your face
snap its way back
into my mind, and I
am stunted by its
presence–unmovable, and
lost in the shambles of the
lake of us, and I want
to blink my eyes constantly
until I can’t see you anymore.

you didn’t even have
the heart to follow
through with every promise
promised or every word
unkept; I knew in the
second year I’d be your
doormat, and after the
sixth year, I pulled myself
up, dusted myself off, and
shot my way into a
more inviting direction.

you came back …
unable to let me live
my life without you
in it, and I saw that dimpled
cheek smile at me, and
the person I was while you
were away caved in.

I hate you for loving me
hard enough to cause me
to fear everyone else.
I love you for finally letting
me walk away and stay
away for good.
I warned you that we’d be
too much to handle, and now
you see that


NaPoWriMo #11

the silent twins

The Silent Twins Trailer

feeding off one another’s
shifty moods and competitive
ways, these two parade
around in silence in front
of everyone outside of
their bubble.

june & jenny
jenny & june
sisters of silence
and mayhem and turmoil
and eating disorders.

I teared up witnessing a
harnessed neck collapsing
at the sight of a broken
hearted sibling wailing
with no sound.

how’d they manage to
live so long before one
died on the shoulder of
the other?

how’d they manage to
pump enough blood
to their hearts when
they spent so much time
bathed in depression?

such lovely parents.
such lovely parents.
understanding and willing
to do what was best
for the girls–an empath’s
soul will not make it without

be careful of what you
share with your mind
when all you were searching
for was a Sunday afternoon
movie in which to escape.