we’re growing

and growth is essential …
I can talk to my father about
my mental health limitations,
and he breathes through my
explanations, urging himself
to understand.

four years ago, when I told him
I was bisexual, my father knew–
he didn’t flinch, didn’t judge,
and most importantly did not
condemn me.
He simply said, “I’d always known,
I just never knew how to
approach it. What hurts me,
though, is you felt that you
couldn’t tell me.”

and all my life, I’d seen sinners
and saints sinning the same,
and one plucked as a favorite
over the other, so I opened the
closet, and sat safely there …
for 30 years.

and now, gracefully shining
in my 40s, I can say, “Daddy,
remember when?” as I talk about
my closeted days, and he’ll say,
“Yes, baby, I do. And we’re past
that. And we’re growing.”

and we are.
we really are.

No Negative Energy, Please.

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No Negative Energy, Please.

For the audio content for this post, please click the file above. The situation that occurred was too heavy on my heart tonight to simply write about it. I had to record it. Please know and understand, I recognize the fact that I cannot get rid of my mom–she is a total part of my life, but there will be things that will change for me to be able to continue to be around her without completely breaking down.

Her energy will have to shift. And I pray that we grow to a place where I can see that happen before one of us dies.

Take care of yourself, and be well.

I Am Thankful and I Give Thanks

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If you celebrate the holiday, may it be a safe, peaceful, fun, and hearty one for you.

If you do not celebrate Thanksgiving, I still offer the same well-wishes. May you experience peace, safety, fun, and hearty meals.

“Gratitude is the attitude to have every day.” –Unknown

Peace and blessings.

Wolf in the Sheep

Musical Selection: Hezekiah Walker & LFC|Grateful

A Haibun

A black and white image of three wolves.
Photo by Tom Pottiger on Unsplash

Dear God, please help me to recognize the wolf in the sheep. Amen. — Tremaine L. Loadholt

I cannot say I have been your most humble servant, but I have served. I have been patient. I have been kind — albeit, for the days when my body aches and a few people tap dance on my nerves, I have been kind. I have forgiven the unforgivable. I have shown grace to the intolerable. I have spotted flaws and continual mishaps in those closest to me, and I have overlooked them — choosing to spot the mistakes and faults in myself and work on those, instead.

I do have a spotty temper. It appears when I least expect it, and I try to center myself in a place where peace will leave my mouth instead of pain/hurt/anguish. I don’t want to be one of those hurt people who hurt people. You know my heart.

Father give me peace
in this treacherous, sick world
I am yours to mold

There are some who are flocking toward me. Their presence seems odd — out of place. I am not familiar with the approaches they have. Are they here to help me or are they here to harm me? Please show me the wolf in the sheep. Help me determine who I should lean into and who I should fall away from.

I am trying to honor your word. I am trying to keep your commandments. But I am human, and by design, I falter. I stumble. I make horrible decisions and seek your counsel afterward. Yahweh, God of all, lend me the intelligence to seek out those who have knives ready to stab me in the back yet greet me with smiles regularly.

I desire more growth
but change begins with my heart
make me heaven’s gift

Originally published in soliloque via Medium.

Hezekiah Walker and LFC, Grateful