I’m dealing with my therapist’s retirement announcement in my own way. I’m happy. I’m sad. I’m so hopeful for her future. I wish her well, too.
But I am not looking forward to the search that is before me for a new one.
And so, I’m writing poetry about it. Of course, I am. Of course, I am.
Originally shared via Instagram.
Below, you will find a few affirmations I’ve been saying to myself daily and sharing them to LinkedIn. I hope you find them helpful, just as much as I have, and others too.
Each day, I try to find something positive to remind me that life is still worth living. These affirmations come to me because I think about my cousin’s incredible spirit and her undeniable knack for making others feel good and because I have also been reading/listening to a few “Grief” devotionals via my Bible app.
I’ve another appointment with my therapist next Tuesday, at 7 p.m. Lord knows I love our sessions. I think I am going to need this one so much more than any other because this week has TRIED my patience. Seriously. I am glad I have my memories, these thoughts, some tools, and a loving and supportive tribe.
Healing is a journey. I think I am on the right path.
The workers come. They drill into the concrete in front of my building. I hear them cut through the ground. A drill here, some digging there. They disturb the dog.
She wakes up from a sound sleep, eager to locate the demons responsible for the momentary interruption.
As they carve into the ground below us, I think about you. Are you entertained? Did I make a good first impression? Was I too much — too little? Is my personality what you thought it’d be?
I didn’t have to think about things like this two years ago. The pandemic has me this way. I tell my therapist I am forever changed. She agrees. She says I’m not the only one. I know I’m not.
Universe, do your worst. I promise I can take it. It’s a statement I thought should be on a t-shirt. I’m still here. After all the damage — all the calculated drama — all the premeditated bullshit, I’m still here.
You speak of wanting children — a life with someone who holds his crotch every thirty minutes. I know this isn’t me. I feign not hearing you. I change the subject. We talk about beating the odds as black women, instead.
The workers tag the concrete. A yellow sign issues caution. The newness of their act intrigues me. A small leaf pokes through the wet-work. What does it mean?
The dog falls back to sleep.
Originally published in CRY Magazine via Medium.
pause, take a moment
you want this
you’ve always known it
use caution, be safe
you should try
not everyone loves
not everyone feels
so be you
first — and no one else
learn to love nature
yes, love it
not just take pictures
get caught up in it
to release
everything at once
guard yourself, be true
you know you
better than we do
*Author’s Note: This is the final installment as far as sharing my journey in therapy here on Medium. My focus will simply be on gaining as much as I can from it and journaling at home, instead. Thank you to all of you for the support, kind words, sensible reminders, and for reading. Peace.
It is an odd yet beautiful thing to shed, to release. As painful as it is, I am becoming more and more aware of its necessity. I cannot keep holding on to things that are not of my control — living in the past. We hashed this out at my last therapy session. The moment I walked into the room, I noticed a few changes. The lighting was just a bit different and my therapist had taken a paraphrased quote by Will Rogers placed it on a note card, and plastic-framed it for display. I snapped a picture of it after relishing its power. We began by me discussing some of the things that have taken place of late and allowing her to process each of them before commenting. This is how we operate. This is what works for us and it has proven beneficial with each visit.
Since my last session, another team member left our facility, one who left decided to come back, and my old supervisor who is now the Clinic Administrator of her own new facility asked me to come and work with her. Needless to say, the constant shifts and overwhelming changes had me on a path of spiraling down, but I have taken the tools learned in therapy and applied them to my daily work-life. Home is a comfort away, so much of these tools are not needed there. I can process better, relax and decompress, and breathe openly without feeling pained. Home is also therapy.
“So, do you think you’ll take the job with your old supervisor?”
“I am still weighing my options with that. I’d have opportunities afforded me there that I do not at my current job, plus — no weekend work and more holiday time off. Did I mention that the practice is closer to where we live?”
“So many pros. Cons?”
“Well, if I took the position, I’d be leaving a team of great people and I love where I currently work. I’d put them in the position of trying to replace yet another person. I just wish things had not taken place the way that they have, but I have no control over that and I am trying to find a way to deal with each blow as they come.”
“You said it best. You have no control over these things. I have a feeling you will choose what you believe to be the best option for both you and your current place of employment. Remember, self-care is important and if transferring will possibly aid you in maintaining self-care, do not deny yourself that.”
I won’t deny myself what I know is best, but I will not live in the world of a “possibility” or “probability,” either. The job offer comes as an “if.” The facility is new and building a name for itself while marketing its existence and gaining a few new patients each day. I could be a big part of this as I do love telling people about where I work. Our organization has proven to be one of the top organizations in North Carolina. I also believe that I could advance a bit more with this new facility and it would be such an honor to watch it grow and shift and take on new phases in operations as they come. I also know that there is a big chance that other people may be hired even if my old supervisor is currently the Clinic Administrator. She has power, but the higher-ups of our organization have more.
I am waiting, but not waiting at the same time. “Whatever will be, will be.” I tell my therapist this and she commends me on my ability to go along with what is taken place without emotionally breaking down.
“You are moving closer to your center, Tre.”
I hope she’s right. I tell her how I feel myself holding in so much tension and it is all piling up in my neck and shoulders and she stands up and shows me a method her chiropractor introduced to her since she tends to hold tension in the same area. She signals me to rise from the couch and follow her in motion. I do so. We center our heads, hold our arms out horizontally, spread our fingers, and then push our arms down, centering our elbows, and touching our hips with our hands. I could feel the relief in my neck area as the method ends. I tell her that this method will be a useful thing to do right before bed. She agrees.
There were brief moments where I teared up — just thinking of possibly leaving yet not knowing what lies ahead, frightens me. I want to be able to make a difference wherever I work and I get the opportunity to do this daily at my current job, however, roles have shifted and some people are clueless to their roles and that can be a harmful thing. I fear another toxic work environment, but I also believe that I can prevent it from becoming one.
“That is too much pressure for one person, Tre.”
Originally published via A Cornered Gurl on Medium.
A Cornered Gurl 
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