I Thought I’d Forget All About You

Musical Selection: Bilal|When Will You Call?

A Lamentation

But I was wrong.
I am wrong.
And every autumn pulls
up memories — I have tried
to forget, and I find myself
burying those memories
deeper into my mind for them
to arise at the worst time.

It’s the children …
The children push more
pain into my heart than
anything else.
How are they doing?
What activities do you have
them in after school now?
Your oldest should be going
to college …
College. It’s almost hard
for me to say this out loud.

I have missed three years of
seeing their faces, hearing their
voices, and learning about
their lives as new
things occur. 

I have resorted to denying who
I am; who I was, but
the pain in my heart about
the children does not lie.
It’s there. It is a constant
reminder of what I have lost.

And as I weave through every
year — no longer your toy;
no longer wrapped up in my
own head about what we
could have been — what I wanted
us to be, seasonal depression
sneaks up on me with
your face as its representative.

I am weak.
I am.
I will say this with
no shame.
I am weak, still, for you.

The dog hops up in
my lap — reminds me it’s
time for her to relieve
herself, and I don’t feel
like moving from a spot
I’ve cozied onto in the
chair. 

She still has some
energy even though she’s
past what some say is
too long for a dog to live — she
can spit fire if I am
not quick to meet her needs.

And isn’t that how you were?
Isn’t that what made us
cling to one another?
Your need to order and my
need to take orders.

Weren’t we too blind to
see it could never work
between two women who
were writers so full of
embellished stories?

I thought I’d forget all
about you, yet three years later,
you appear. And no amount
of therapy is sweeping you away
from my heart’s door.

I wanted more.
I couldn’t have it.
I never would have.
At every turn, you would
choose him.
You chose him.

And really, he was the
best decision. My mind
knows this — how about
telling it to my heart?


Originally published in soliloque via Medium.

Up The Value.

Last night, I came across this gem, which made me follow the writer. Maybe, it’ll speak to you, too. Please go to the original post to like and comment.

Happy Friday. Let’s lift each other up today!

ChoclaKEY

If a Tesla or the car of your dreams or close to it was available for a test ride at random moments of your life, you’d probably take advantage of every moment and go for a few spins before the dealership decides to say promotion closed; trial run, over. No more test drives. The next time you ride in one of these cars, is if you buy.

I believe some men are the same way when it comes to some women. Of course they like the idea of you so they keep coming back but if they really wanted you, taking you off the market would be the next form of action. We’ll mistake the attention we get and constant spins around the blocks to different places from different people, for interest over the fact that either #1. he can’t afford to take you off the market or #2. It’s…

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Death of a Fruit Fly

Small and annoying, buzzing
nuisance multiplies within
minutes.

I am armed with apple cider vinegar,
citronella candles, and patience,
yet I cannot defeat them …

A concoction: honey, water, and
red wine vinegar, microwaved
for twenty-five seconds is their
burning bed.

The dog watches me as I
run around my apartment placing
little cups of this trap in
certain spaces.

I never thought I would
be so happy to witness
the death of a fruit fly.

First Outing Since the Pandemic Began

My Little Monster, Jernee Timid Loadholt, enjoying the sights and sounds around her. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

Today, I had lunch with a writing friend of mine. We planned this a few weeks back, and I am glad it actually took place.

I was afraid I’d get too anxious and back out or far too afraid to even go. This was actually my first outing to sit down and eat at a restaurant (outside on the patio) since the pandemic began.

We decided on a place called Relish in Raleigh, which is about an hour and thirty-five minutes away from me. We had a delightful time. The food was great. The service was excellent. And it is a pet-friendly environment.

These days, I pretty much have to have Jernee with me if I venture away from home for too long, so this place being all it was and so much more, was definitely a Godsend.


All work and no play
Makes Jernee a grumpy dog
Today we had fun

Outing with a friend
Delicious food to savor
A pet friendly place

We will go again
When I’ve gathered up the strength
It had been too long

repairs

the roofers came today–banged
the mess out of tired shingles
and drilled into spaces where
drilling didn’t sound like
it needed to take place

all of this because of a recurring
leak right above my fireplace
the dog slept throughout
the entire crazy show
and I wondered how …

I worked during this–took
call after call after call
and endured a throbbing
headache from the noise
making my acquaintance

when the job was complete,
they collected their ladder,
threw all of the old
pieces of my roof to the
ground, and left without
saying a word

I don’t even know
if the repairs are actually
repaired

I guess I’ll soon find out
this is North Carolina,
after all

rain is definitely
on the way