“And if I ever hurt you, I’m asking you To charge it to my head and not my heart.”
Have you gotten your copy of Séduire: Serial Tales & Flash Fiction at Lulu in E-Book& Paperback versions, or Amazon in Paperback(only) yet?
I am on Substack as well. Poking the Bear’s Belly for Fun is a place of healing as I speak aboutrecent events with a previous place of employment, as it pertains to racism and discrimination, growth from the transition after resigning from that company, and life’s foibles and overall experiences. I welcome your visit.
“I’d never would’ve made it this far without you” is a straight-up testimony that resonates with me.
There were many days when I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, but my eyes were open. My limbs were agile. My heart was beating. I had breath in my lungs.
God did it, and why, I may never know, but I’m so glad he keeps doing it.
This dropped in my spirit during my workout on my Gospel workout mix, and maybe it’ll work for you, too.
I feel like I’m not the only one who needs to be reminded — who really needs to know that God hasn’t given up and will not give up on you.
The good news about the current status of my eyes has floored me.
Morning shenanigans at the Optometrist’s office. Photo Collage Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
To hear the words, “You have 20/20 vision,” and try to contain my emotion — keep my cool was a poor happenstance on my part. The emotion flowed out of me, and I am still overcome with it. I have keratoconus (as well as astigmatism in both eyes, and I am near-sighted), and I have been toggling between an Ophthalmologist/Corneal Specialist and an Optometrist (who specializes in corneal diseases) for four years. I have been wearing scleral contacts for three years… this, my third year, granted me 20/20 vision, something I had no immediate recognition of since I was about 12 years old.
It’s a blessing. It’s a wonder. It’s a miracle. I do not take it for granted, and I am thankful for everyone who has handled my vision care for the last four years. At this time, I do not have to have a procedure called Corneal Collagen Cross-linking to further assist with keratoconus, the contacts are doing — have been doing their job.
If I could properly describe what I am feeling right now, I would. But there are no words for it. NONE. I see God everywhere —literally now and figuratively, and He’s still on time.
To those of you who have been following my story about living with keratoconus since February of 2021, thank you for still being here. It’s been a long and tortuous journey, and I have had to make so many life changes to better enhance my vision, and I am so happy I did. I do not take any of it for granted, not one thing.
God is in the blessing business. I know because “he keeps on blessing me.” And just because this is one of my favorite gospel songs, I am sharing this version with you. Happy Thursday!
Have you gotten your copy of my new book: a collection of serial tales & flash fiction, Séduire (E-BookandPaperback) yet?
I recently signed up to write on Substack as well. Poking the Bear’s Belly for Fun is a place of healing as I speak aboutthe most recent events with my place of employment as it pertains to racism and discrimination. I welcome your visit.
You pick. You poke. You prod. I have noticed the change in you and I am of sound mind. I am a whole spirit.I still have my good heart and I thought you had yours, but you are unveiling a side to you that I have never known. And then, we have never been what we are now. Open. Honest. We have always walked on eggshells, scared to reveal our true selves to each other.Yet, there was love.
Yet —
There Was
US.
I will admit, there are pieces of me I now feel should have remain caged, but then this bird would not sing.There would not be a tune to share and ears to hear it as it flows melodiously through the clouds. I am slowly moving forward. I am clearing a way for desperate dreams.I will not deny you the deepest parts of me if you will give me your word that you will keep them safe. And I do not think you will give me your word. I do not think you will trust yourself enough to understand what we went through. What I went through while being with you.
I do not need any more egocentric fools racing to bid on my sanity — how long will I have it? When will I break?I thought, because I want to believe in the good in you than evil, that you would fight to remain beautiful. And not the type of beauty that’s plastered on magazine covers or as subjects of famous paintings, but the beauty that comes from waking up next to someone who spent thirty seconds gently rubbing your forehead and whispering to you until your eyes opened. Or the beauty that comes from watching a toddler take his first steps, giggling at the momentous achievement.
I wanted your beauty to last so that when I looked at you, I would remember what made me love you.
But like all things that need sweeping and clearing, it did not. We did not. And it started long ago when I confessed to sleeping with a woman. I did not take the time to understand how the newness of the news shaped you. Changed you. Cut you open and split you at the seams. From that day, nothing was the same. There was no going back.
You ran after God, sure that if you caught him, the pain that you felt would dissipate. Prayerful that if you caught him, that I would not be who I am versus who I was. You thought that if you could attack God fiercely and dig deep enough to learn all there is to know of him, that I would change. And there would be another woman and another and then you again. Because you had a part of me that no one else could get.
The mountain in me sloped intensely and I knew one day, you would get tired of risking your life to reach the top. I was selfish then. I wanted what I wanted and could get it without much effort. That is the downside to being young, manipulative, and weak. We do not realize the damage done to others until the same begins to happen to us. Someone said they saw you happy, that you asked of me in a way that sounded more like you wondering if I was finally happy too, rather than truly wanting to know of me — of my life.
I was happy to hear that you settled again. That you are still preaching, leading a flock to fields of endless dreams.You are still chasing God. All the while oblivious to the fact that you had Him in you the whole time.
If I ever see you again, years from today, moons from tomorrow, I would tell you to climb the mountain once more and take special care this time.
She’ll probably let you reach the top.
I’ve got a seed in the ground
That he’s blessing
No more stressing.
I’ve got a seed in the ground
And it’s growing
Now it’s showing.
This is my season, for grace for favor.
This is my season to reap what I have sown.
A Cornered Gurl 
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