Pain – Page 50 – A Cornered Gurl

pay me for the many bodies slain
in cold blood at the hand of their
protectors for simply being alive
for walking down an unfamiliar street
for pulling out a wallet
for covering his child with his body
for revealing a water gun
for breathing air that is free in
a country that charges me for water
in a plastic cup bound to kill
me twenty years from now

for a woman knowing her rights
and unafraid to back down when faced
by fake authority
for gentrification
for replacement of all things familiar
in a neighborhood that needs complacency
to build it up during its struggle

pay me for scheming my ancestors
moons ago with slanderish tongues
bathed in honey
for neverending lies
for belligerence
for bigotry
for disguises in broad daylight
for the Ku Klux Klan

that will burn my community by dawn’s early light.

oh, say can you see?
for i am owed,
much more than can be repaid!

therefore,
i have the right:
to take a knee on any new age plantation field
to reject the bullshit that white supremacy truly is
to dodge PEACEkeepers that have a badge to kill

they serve money and the news/poliTRICKS and corporations have quotas and dues/bait trucks filled with shoes?

my country tis’ of thee —
WE the people, will lose.

i have the right:
to be this color face
zero damns left to give
sacrifice this lie that’s become a goddamn disgrace
still it questions the I in ME?!

i have the right:
to choose an alternate reality
to love and live.

i have the right:
to be this black moon
these copper colored blues
to travel with these autumn colored leaves
decorated in this auburn flesh
skin tones thick with tribe
standing with bronze feet in gold suns

textures of faith armed with all this love
they said, i couldn’t have/i couldn’t be
this speech, touched by godS/moved by ancestors/guided by winds

like, trees/ocean bottoms/creation
i ain’t to be moved

I AM owed!

i have the right:
to not have my skin rigged
a weapon against me!
how can i be victim AND criminal?!

fuck this place as a nation!
i have the right,
to be this color of pride

pay me, nation of forgetfulness
for years of contemplation and misguided ways
for unearthed demons in positions of power
for silencers and AK-47s and Mac10s
and the nerve to say we asked for it
pay me for everything I am due
and increase it tenfold

but, how do you put a price
on a dwindling race in a nation
that wants to annihilate it?

*No one else could have written this with me. It came to me when it did and I immediately sent the draft to Walker. Originally posted in A Cornered Gurl on Medium.

Thank you for reading.

Your Version of Love

08/26/201808/25/2018trE

Part II

freshblossoms — Fresh blossoms|Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

You treat love like it owes you
something
doling out side-eye glances
trying your best to move it
when it’s firmly planted where
it should be
a damsel in distress
stressed to the max
and undeniably crafty
love isn’t on your payroll
yet you expect it to work
overtime

You lay down roots in
places where home will not
come when you call it
and surf the net in higher than
high heels hoping for a piece
of the not-so American pie
sliced just right
and sweetened to perfection
a sweet tooth’s dream, victimized
and scorn, you carry love
on your shoulders asking
the world to pay attention to
your alter ego
instead of your natural state

Love does not accept collect calls
doesn’t grant you three wishes
or murder your work enemy so
you can get ahead
the ladder of life must be
climbed
and with love hanging in the
balance
you put on different shoes
you change your clothes
you buy new makeup and dazzle
the neighborhood with fake smiles

Your version of love is a
heartache-induced party
conjured up by demented thoughts
but you call it “the past”
and everyone slides into their
perfect places yearning to tour
a maze with no exit
love stands idly by
scoping out the scenery
intent on seeing what you have
colored red, turned it blue, and
made it green
with envy and absolutely
no love

Musical inspiration: Tennessee Whiskey/Drink You Away — Justin Timberlake & Chris Stapleton. Originally published on Medium.

Part I

5 Words: Present

08/22/201808/22/2018trE

I’m here
w a i t i n g
for you.

Guard It–Because, It’s All That You Have

08/19/201808/19/2018trE

We live by it. We die by it. Emotionally charged beings do not know how to interact daily without getting into the heart of matters. We awake with it. We go to sleep with it. By design, we are sensitive, fragile in our approach to love, yet we can be strongest if others depend on us. “Above all else, guard your heart.” My heart is my center. It is my core. It beats for so many roles that it has in my life and on most days, I’m afraid that I’m overworking this incredible muscle. But every single day, I am proven wrong.

When I believe that I am broken beyond repair, I am reminded to love. When I feel that all hope is lost, I am reminded to love. When I allow the events of this world to weigh me down, in an effort to keep going and spread decent messages, I allow myself to continue to love. If you know me, you know that what I do is done passionately and with a direct focus on love. I cannot turn it off. I have been in the healthcare industry for fifteen years because all I have ever wanted to do was help others in some way, shape, or form. I am the glue in my family, keeping us together. With power granted to me by the Almighty, I have sustained many years of treachery, yet I am still standing. And willing…

To Love.

There are several things you may not know about me. I will share them here. I do not have a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, What’s App, Snap Chat, or any other trendy account where constant drivel is shoveled out on a daily basis by a world that is losing its grip on love. I do not watch the news, if there’s something I wish to know so that I can be in the know, I will search a trusted news outlet and read it. My only vice in the arena of news is the Weather Channel. I do not watch any videos where people are being beaten, burned, mutilated, mistreated, or lured into traps laid out by the evil-doers of this world.

Self-Preservation: it is what keeps me going.

My heart, it has seen a plethora of differences in people, places, and animals, yet it still wants to love. Yearns to love. For this reason, I must guard it. I must protect it from those eager to persuade me in some way with their shady schemes. People can be extremely harmful when it comes to characteristics and certain quirks and I have had my share of imbeciles to know when one is lurking about. It can be easy to fall prey and become a victim, especially during these times.

I do not believe I have ever felt the saying, “We are living in our last days” as much as I do now. My prayer is that humanity gets its act together and quickly. My heart and I are waiting. So, while we wait, I will get better in ways that I should. And while we wait, I will learn more about how I can strengthen others around me who have trouble loving while guarding their hearts. And hopefully, they can help me where it is needed most too. The heart can make or break us.