fear, uninvited, sat with me on a dark and gloomy day. I offered it a glass of sweet tea. if it was going to be here for a while, it might as well quench its thirst.
I usually run straight toward it; my arms spread out for a hug that never comes, but today was different. I spoke to it on a faith-based level. I informed fear that if it planned on staying, it would have to do some work around here–earn its keep.
I need love and care, confidence and hope, trust and reassurance, and I wanted it to understand if it did not intend to provide those things, the portal to my life would close soon.
so, fear tried to negotiate with me; if it showed up on Monday and Thursday, would I have time for it? I listened to its offer, bathed the details in the back of my mind, and politely declined.
I decided I no longer wanted to be stunted by this marriage. taming fear is taking time, but we’re both learning and growing. pretty soon, I believe it’ll be able to get along in life without me.
no one ever told me aging would mean facial creams lactose alternatives tweezing chin hair or massaging achy knees all before 10 PM
I would’ve appreciated the memo
instead, I’m stuck doing all these things and plucking ingrown hairs from a stubborn chin as I listen to soft soul music via surround sound on a Wednesday night
the dog stands at the master bath’s doorway watching me fit a face that takes so much work to hold up against all odds
I wonder if she has a better way to calm perimenopausal symptoms or if she’s just being so damn nosy
I have never been the type to brag, so I won’t start now, but I am okay. No, really. I am the happiest I have been, and it took pain, death, grief, and moving through your lookalikes to know that I deserve this happiness.
People are telling me it looks good on me, I wear it well. My smile still brightens up the room. What did you used to call me? “Sweet beauty,” wasn’t that it? Because you said I was “beautiful” and “sweet”, and it used to be a dangerous combination.
And it still is.
But I know how to use these tools now… without you. I know how to enjoy the little things now… without you.
I wonder what you tell the kids about me — who I’ve now become since we ain’t mingling around in the same waters. Will they embrace me if they see me in public or would they shun me and keep it moving.
A friend of mine told me a few weeks back, “It’s going to be the constant thoughts about the children that’s going to do you in.”
And she is right.
Because when you’ve poured so much of yourself and your love into the children of someone you love — someone you dreamt would pick up and settle with you — healing takes longer.
I love hard, so I hurt harder. And I used to carry the hurt on the tip of my tongue, and these days, I let my pain splash the hurt over papyrus and my fingers type the hurt out via keys. I ain’t singing no blues. I got joy deep down in my heart, instead.
And it’s because of you. It’s because of getting over you, and that’s a blessing. You gave me a gift I did not know I needed. And now that it is here, watch how quickly it blossoms — if you can from where you are, on your high horse.
I wish you well. I always have. I always will. — Don’t think you have ever wanted me well, though. And if you did, I was too blind to see it.
I watched as you burned sage, cleansing your home of another breakup, burying a relationship you thought would not live up to its potential,
You were right.
In the brisk air of the hallway, the smoke led itself down an uneven path, one I’ve often taken into the road of you. thirsts forever unquenched. who you are to everyone else will never be who you are to me, and only we know the . . .
Truth.
It’s often those who are clever who bark up trees with no grip to console their feverish minds, nipping at pastimes, trying to pick up where they left off, leaving the accolades of the good ole days in raggedy trashcans, unsure of how to dispose of each
One.
Didn’t you find me in your reflection standing behind years of torture yet holding every memory we made over your head as a reminder of how insouciant you are? belligerent in shaky armor, a world of “No, thank you” and “Please, leave me alone” lingers on the tip of your tongue . . .
Scleral contacts in and headed to my optometrist appointment for a cornea check & second opinion on Corneal Collagen Cross-linking. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
if you are lucky — blessed — you have someone monitoring your health as best as they can. if you’re falling off in any way, they’re there to pick you back up and remind you, “There’s still living to do.”
I now know the importance of keeping my eyes shielded for as long as I can. wearing scleral contacts for at least ten hours per day has helped my left eye, however, my right eye is progressing. according to my optometrist, I’m still in a range she thinks is “gradual” and nothing to be concerned about surgically, just yet.
she agrees with me that we should allow the additional six months and reassess in November to see where I stand. will my sight continue to betray me or will it slow its pace in progression and stave off surgical procedures for a few years or more?
I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
she also broke down Corneal Collagen Cross-linking to me in a way that didn’t terrify me or cause me to fear attending anymore ophthalmology follow-up appointments. she smiled gingerly and said, “I hate to say this, but most surgeons are trained to give you the worst-case scenario, and then I have to . . . clean up the mess.”
I listened to her as each step was explained, reiterated, and filtered to my understanding, and I breathed a sigh of relief. if this procedure is needed by the end of the year or later, I feel less worried about the possibility of having it performed.
when one’s vision is steadily running in the opposite direction of the sighted, what does one do? hope. pray. follow all necessary precautions. pray some more. purchase all the expensive items necessary for the care and maintenance of the $3,500.00 each, priced lenses.
Can’t let these go to waste, right?
and as I continue to lose my sight in one eye, it is strengthening in the other. what can this mean? what does this mean? is there even any meaning to it?
my optometrist is happy with my vision as it stands currently. I could see what I needed to see and people, places, and things are still sharper in my line of sight. it’s a small thing but a big thing, too.
A Cornered Gurl 
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