I Will Bring My Table if You Refuse To Let Me Sit at Yours

And I won’t ask for your permission

Photo by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash

The most disrespected person in America is the black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America is the black woman. — Malcolm X

I have learned, in these last five months after venturing into applying for writing positions (once again), that as a Black woman in America, this industry is crucial — a rigorous trail of dangerous terrain, and many of us will not pull away from it without broken ankles or worse — a broken spirit.

I have applied to countless organizations, entities, magazines, and journals. I have updated, tweaked, upgraded, and enhanced my résumé hundreds of times. I have submitted examples of my writing, samples of copy as per requests, and details of my experience and longevity within the industry. Yet, I stand before you, jobless in the field I have dreamed of making my full-time career choice.

I want to tell you that this is my first time with these results, but it is not. And I know I am not the only one. The older I become, the harder it is to gain traction in the world of creative arts — particularly literary content, and every time I find the strength to give it one more go at it, I get the wind knocked completely out of my sails.

So, what is different this time around? I know what I can offer. I am aware of my potential. I am not afraid of a challenge or hard work. I can pursue intense and controversial topics, interview big names relative to various subjects, and do all of this in a way that will connect the reader and bring them back continually.

However, I have gotten several proverbial doors slammed in my face because I do not fit the model the company seeks; I am not interested in writing solely for marketing purposes. I refuse to write about or attach my name to something I do not believe in or advocate for, and the list goes on.

The tables they have designed for those seeking to eat among their peers have no more room. Or is it simply what they lead us to believe?


Why are we almost always at the bottom regarding pay in most job markets?

I work full-time in healthcare. I am a central scheduling specialist for radiology. To make it plain, I schedule radiology scans and interventional radiology/invasive procedures for our patients. The job is not one for the weary or faint of heart.

I commend my love of words and for people regarding my ability to build rapport, remain empathetic, and ensure a timely and effective scheduling process for our patients.

I will be honest. The pay is not what I would envision for the tasks and overall processes we have to endure, but I love my job.

Am I stressed out on some days? Sure. Do I wish it would get better for me and my co-workers? I do. Would I want to do this job with any other group of people? No, I would not.

The people I share these tasks with are exceptional and we are a rainbow of glorious individuals who show up daily to do what we do best; give patients a remarkable radiology scheduling experience.

Healthcare has been the backbone and most convenient way to keep me afloat, while writing always held its own on the sidelines. I have never gained enough to fully sustain and live comfortably from writing.

You may be saying to yourself, “Why do you think this should change?” I have always felt my heart speaks more when I am writing. My mind is at ease — anxiety is curbed significantly.

And the monetary comparisons are laughable. I can earn more by editing and publishing, and submitting commissioned articles in one month (whenever applicable) than I can in healthcare scheduling.

When I step back and look at the overall differences in pay gaps and wages for White men, Black men, White women, and Black women, I am left speechless.

In an article by Michelle Holder entitled, Addressing the ‘double gap’ faced by Black women in the U.S. economy, the author states:

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics detailed this double gap in June 2020, releasing data on average weekly and annual salaries broken out by race and gender:

White Men: $1,115 weekly, $58,000 annually
Black Men: $828 weekly, $43,000 annually
White Women: $929 weekly, $48,300 annually
Black Women: $779 weekly, $40,500 annually

This is wage inequality by race and gender in a nutshell. — Michelle Holder, November 30, 2021

We, Black women, are at the bottom. The average salary for a healthcare scheduling specialist position in North Carolina is $16.19 per hour as of August 22, 2022, according to Zippia.

If we go further into it, for my state alone, we share the bottom rungs with Hispanic women and Hispanic men, with women of color making up about 35% in North Carolina.

If the current trends continue, working women in North Carolina will not see equal pay until 2060! — NC Council for Women and Youth Involvement

Where is the fairness in the statement above? Will there ever be pay equity for women, more specifically, Black women?


I have to be a sounding board for others and bring my table when there are no more seats left

Although I have not gotten my seat at the table of writing, I am making moves in order to bring my own table and invite others to sit with me too. I am unafraid to be vulnerable and authentic. I share my experiences. I let people into the parts of my world where I feel a connection will take place.

“When one door closes, another one opens.” In my case, I can say, “When hundreds of doors are closed before you, build your own, then knock it down.”

I have this unstoppable quality marked into my making, and I cannot see myself “taking a knee” because I am being forced to.

Women writers outnumber men writers in the United States of America. However, we are still paid $0.96 to their $1.00.

Writer Demographics and Statistics in the USA
  • There are over 46,256 writers currently employed in the United States.
  • 53.8% of all writers are women, while 46.2% are men.
  • The average age of an employed writer is 41 years old.
  • The most common ethnicity of writers is White (78.9%), followed by Hispanic or Latino (7.4%) and Black or African American (6.0%).
  • The majority of writers are located in New York, NY, and Los Angeles, CA.
  • Writers are most in-demand in New York, NY.
  • Writers are paid an average annual salary of $66,143.

The above stats have been derived from Zippia and are the most recent analysis for Writer demographics by gender, location, and race.


I will not ask for your permission. I don’t need it.

Many writers come and go. I have broken bread with editors, authors, poets, and content creators. I converse with struggling journalists, Black women in Tech, and Black women freelance writers. The “game” was not designed for us to be on top.

No one will say this out loud — this information is the “quiet part” about which we should not speak. It is a thing someone continually forces us to move through, and when we arrive, they mount another obstacle for us to maneuver.

There are countless Black women in various job markets who can stand in front of you and say they have had to pivot to entrepreneurship because no one else would hire them. They are carving out spaces for themselves because countless doors have been closed in their face. They are currently pulling themselves up into the spotlight and bringing a few of their colleagues along because they know what the struggle entails.

I am at the age now where I fervently believe that it is high time for me to construct my table, sit it alongside the path of others, and help catapult Black women writers to where they want to be.

And I will not ask for anyone’s permission — not anymore. I don’t need it.


Originally published in An Injustice Mag via Medium on September 07, 2022.

Back to School but Only in My Mind

A narrative reflection

Photo by Sam Balye on Unsplash

We bolt from the yellow Blue Bird bus that carries us from fifteen streets away. The bus driver has a pronounced gap between her two front teeth and yells at the top of her lungs every afternoon for us to “Sit our behinds down” before she parks the bus somewhere and lets us have it.

This is the deep South, right before the summer break. The heat is a devil on stilts. The kind of heat prepared to kick God in the shins for creating it.

I’m best friends with two sisters, one loner, a metrosexual, and there are an undisclosed number of acquaintances who know me but don’t know me-know me.

My mom is a recovering cocaine addict who buries her face in goblets of Hennessy and Tanqueray. I spend most of the evenings crying in my room — praying for a way out of where I seem stuck.

My brothers are 8, 9, and 10 years younger than me. The oldest hears me crying and sits by my closed door until I fall asleep.

I never tell him this, but it is nice to have him there — listening, waiting for me to be at peace. He’s still the same to this day — ready to protect me. Open to keeping me safe.

We spend the humid nights at the poolside, playing spades and talking shit about anyone we wanted to.

Or … I run circles around the boys in the neighborhood on the basketball court until the day I split my lip open and bruise my right jaw. I still have the scar. My bottom lip — purple and midnight blue — never the same.

We are young, bold, academically advanced, and full of wonder. I leave at 18 — travel one hour for college — settle there for seven years, and pick my shit up one day out of the blue to journey onward to North Carolina.

I do not look back. I am not speaking to my mother, who finally proves to me I mean little to her when she does not come to my college graduation.

It is a weight I choose not to carry as I move through my 20s, stressed out by the constant feeling of worthlessness. If my own mother can’t see me achieve this goal, why should anyone else?

To my surprise, everyone I love more than mint chocolate chip ice cream shows up. Even my friend from Mississippi.

The Powerhouse coordinates visits and caters to my every whim, hugging me until I feel my soul smile before she leaves to celebrate her boyfriend’s graduation day too.

I am 17, 18, 21, 23, and 25, and with all those past ages still living in my mind, I become the woman I never thought I’d be.

And I love her so much more.


©2022 Tremaine L. Loadholt

*This piece is in response to the Back to School prompt in CRY Magazine via Medium.

pursued accomplishments

Photo by Christina Morillo on Pexels.com

we–a team of people
set out to pursue our
greatest accomplishment
on a Saturday morning
that led into the afternoon.

determined to risk it all
at the drop of a hat–completing
all outbound calls for three
different groups became
our reality.

it is a beautiful thing to
watch a goal reached
center itself right before your
eyes and share that with
the people who make
your work-life an
enjoyable one.

the ultimate task had
been tackled, pinned down,
and served a full cup of
“finally finished”, and our
emotions piled up and
categorized us as one.

something that looked
unattainable was at our
grasp all along–all we had to
do was extend our hands
just a little more.


Originally shared via LinkedIn.

pushers

Musical Selection: Dionne Farris|Hopeless

I can’t dote on the team
I get to share frustrations,
stressors, and accomplishments
with on a daily basis enough.
we may split at the edges
sometimes, but we will
never crack.

we have endured system issues,
glitches, irate patients, and an
overall pressure that packed
itself heavy into our bones,
yet we stayed above water–
humorous in our near-defeat.

if I were a betting woman,
my cash would be on them.
my trust is in them.
I wouldn’t want to do
the days I spend spiraling
with any other group of
people–we are perfectly matched
for the work that we do.

and on the days when
calls push us hard against
the wall, we push back with
a vengeance that comes wrapped
in fire and bold presentations.

we are not your average
team; we wear remarkable on
our sleeves–clever human beings,
slaying the trenches of the
scheduling world effortlessly.


Originally shared via LinkedIn.


Hopeless by Dionne Farris

Stepping Out on Faith

YouVersion Bible App

An opportunity I had been wanting to apply for recently became available at my job. Today, I applied for it; confident in myself and my skills, and the knowledge I have as it pertains to our department’s tasks.

Stepping out of my comfort zone is continuing to happen on my end. I love the team I get to share these experiences with every single day and to possibly move forward and assist our team in another way is sending joy through every fiber of my being.

You will never know what you’re capable of if you don’t take any chances.

I am taking chances and patiently waiting for whatever may come.

It’s a beautiful day to dream BIG.


I am sharing this post from yesterday on LinkedIn. I know God has something big in store for me. I just have to be patient, but I am jumping into spaces and opportunities that present themselves to me more and more. I’ve got a good feeling about this one!