Category: Fear

When You’re Asked To Be a Spanx Helper, You Help

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This was not my calling, but I was called anyway.

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It was a humid Sunday morning, and I was washing my hands at the sink in the women’s bathroom of my then church. A fellow usher/acquaintance came thundering through the door.

Her glasses were tilted slightly, her forehead had several beads of sweat congregating on it like the people in the pews of the sanctuary. She huffed and puffed and nearly blew the walls down, and then loudly said to me . . .

“Tre, girl!!! Help me!”

Before I could respond, this acquaintance lifted up her form-fitting black dress to her hips and tugged at a modern-day corset that seemed to be making its way down a path it was not supposed to go.

I stood there for a few seconds with wet hands, perplexed by this human who was exasperated and waiting for my assistance. I quickly dried my hands.

This was new territory for me. So many questions were running through my mind. What do I do? Where do I start? Should we just remove this thing altogether?! Why is she even asking me for help?!

So, I did what any nervously questioning human being would do. I slowly stepped behind her and said, “What do I do?”

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She began pulling her dress up even further and then called instructions out to me military style. This isn’t the kind of company I’d normally keep and at this intimate level of care, I worried that I was going to do something wrong.

“Pull the Spanx down, while I shimmy out of it.” Everything floated through my highly anointed yet VERY bisexual mind as I listened to this attractive woman in obvious discomfort instruct me on how to remove a conflicted piece of clothing from her voluptuous and striking body.

DO WHAT?! YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?!

I coughed to signal nervousness and then cleared my throat. “You want me to do what now, Jewel?!”

“Pull it down while I try to shimmy free. But don’t pull at it hard, pull slowly. Be gentle. Don’t tear the sides.”

UM . . .

This was my first real encounter with Spanx. The way my brain works is I began wondering why she put this God-forsaken thing on in the first place. Let your curves be free, love . . . is what I truly wanted to say. But she was wearing a form-fitting black dress, in church, during the summer months, and maybe there was something beneficial I didn’t know about to this torture.

I tugged at what felt like leather hide for minutes while she wiggled her hips feverishly to escape the clutches of the manufactured bone-crushing fabric. What seemed like forever, but was probably more like five minutes later, she was free.

She pushed her glasses perfectly on her nose, smoothed her dress down, tidied up her bun, folded the Spanx up and slapped them in her purse, then called to me . . . “Ooh, Tre! Girl, you are a lifesaver! Thank you!”

I shook my head in total disbelief but I didn’t want to be rude. “Cool beans, Jewel. You’re most welcome.”

After she left the bathroom, I washed my hands again, stared at the mirror, and said to myself, “What in the world just happened?”

A fellow usher/acquaintance was being tortured by a piece of clothing, and well . . . it was my calling to help.

*Names changed for the purposes of privacy and respect.

Is Books Anonymous a Thing?

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At this point, I’m definitely an addict.

Back in the day, the author and I used to participate on a music & writing platform and occasionally connected via AIM. I always felt she’d do what she was meant to do with her artwork. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

Stop Telling Women To Smile by Tatyana Fazlalizadeh is a gut punch of a book, and I enjoyed reading it!

I had no doubt that I would. It has the author’s voice, her passion, and the intensity for the importance of the topic at hand shines through each page effortlessly.

The Amazon review is below:

“STWTS Should Be Taught In Sex & Gender Courses.

And I say this, having had my stent in one such class while in college, and if I was assigned this book to read, I probably would have felt as if I learned more.

It is a beautiful thing to be able to see words within pages that perfectly describe what I have felt–still feel sometimes about street harassment and the various interactions I’ve had with men while in public.

It is a VERY real thing and should not be brushed aside or swept under the proverbial rug.

The artwork accompanying the stories helps to drive the power of the words home as well as what every woman, non-binary person, and trans-woman has experienced and how street harassment has shaped their lives. You can see the strain and exhaustion on every face.

It also opens a door to dialogue and the changes men must make for this issue to become a non-issue.

The author/artist did a phenomenal job with this book, and I am happy to have it as a part of my collection and favorite reads.”

Being a Woman: Forthcoming. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

The final book to Michele Lee Sefton‘s Being a Woman project is Forthcoming.

It is the perfect way to complete a series. Out of all three, though, the first book is my favorite. It set the tone for the project and had the most impactful words within it.

Below is my Amazon review:

“Emotionally Charged, Binding Poetry.

In this third offering from the “Being a Woman,” project, “Forthcoming” took what I thought was a completely different turn, but this did not dampen or lessen the strength and depth of the poems shared.

Michele shone a light on the dearly departed, the forgotten, the worried, the weakened, and the powerful in this book.

It was easy to connect with quite a few poems and allow my emotions to get the best of me: I felt something. And I assume that’s exactly what the author wants.

Ending the collection, “Forthcoming” finishes on a high note with its last offering, “Return Home”, which solidifies the book in a huge way, and allows the reader to breathe a sigh of relief.

If you haven’t already made this book one of your own, I suggest that you do, and soon.”

Does anyone else need to attend a Books Anonymous meeting or two or three?!

stages

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many of us perform
on stages of our
own making which later
become our undoing,

yet we wonder why we
falter.

my new neighbor has
a funky attitude but
she owns a dog, and I
find that mysteriously intriguing.
how can you be callous and
care for something the
complete opposite of that?

I speak when I see her,
acknowledge her curt stares,
and nod to display kindness,
and that is the extent of
our exchanges.

I miss my old neighbor.

she moved about two months
ago to be on a stage
that life planned for her;
homeowner . . .
she doesn’t like her new
neighbors, either.
says they let their Pit
run amuck and loudly
bark at the comings and goings
of others.

she sends me text messages
saying she may have made
a mistake.
and I don’t want to agree, but
I don’t like this new neighbor,
so in my heart of hearts,
I secretly concur but instead
say, “Give it a bit more
time. It may end up surprising
you. None of us really ever
loves change.”

and on this stage I’ve
built for myself, I’m patiently
waiting for a future that
could lend me more
happiness.
of late, I’ve been searching
for it and it has been elusive.

but there’s always tomorrow.

Running With the Clouds Part III

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Jake’s Pain (Microfiction)

He answered the call at 12:47 AM in a panic. “Next of Kin” meant waking up at all hours of the night when your big sister has done something unthinkable.

“Can you come in to identify the body?”

Can I do what?! She did what?! How was her mental health?! If she jumped from the 14th floor of her building, what is left for me to identify?!

Thunder roared, and the midnight rain poured like it would be the last.

Maybe she wanted to die first . . .

Maybe that’s why she did it.

Part I & Part II

the taming of fear

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an audio poem

Mindset Message. ©2024 Tremaine L. Loadholt

fear, uninvited, sat with me
on a dark and gloomy day.
I offered it a glass of sweet tea.
if it was going to be here for
a while, it might as well quench
its thirst.

I usually run straight toward it;
my arms spread out for a hug
that never comes,
but today was different.
I spoke to it on a faith-based level.
I informed fear that if it
planned on staying, it would
have to do some work around
here–earn its keep.

I need love and care, confidence and hope, trust
and reassurance, and I wanted it to
understand if it did not intend
to provide those things, the
portal to my life would close
soon.

so, fear tried to negotiate with
me; if it showed up on Monday
and Thursday, would I have time
for it?
I listened to its offer, bathed the
details in the back of my
mind, and politely declined.

I decided I no longer wanted to
be stunted by this marriage.
taming fear is taking time,
but we’re both learning and growing.
pretty soon, I believe it’ll
be able to get along in
life without me.

The Hard Part Is Over and Now . . . I Wait.

trE

I applied to two psychological/therapeutic organizations as recommended by my former therapist and my nerves are getting the best of me.

Photo by Alex Green on Pexels.com

This morning, I did the second part of what I have been dreading for nearly two months: I applied to two psychological/therapeutic organizations as recommended by my former therapist. To say that I am nervous is an understatement. But I knew this had to be done, and I am proud of myself for taking the second step in continuing my mental healthcare and surveillance from a professional.

I started by researching the second center my former therapist and I discussed as the name struck me as inviting and serene: Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness. I read through the organization’s mission and vision statement and familiarized myself with about four of the profiles for their providers. I landed on Arionna Wilkerson within the first three minutes, marked her mentally, and said, “Let’s come back to her.” I read through three more profiles and circled back to Arionna Wilkerson. I completed the new applicant form and will await the recommended 24-48 hours turnaround time before reaching out to the organization if I have not heard from a representative before their requested turnaround time.

The downside to this organization is my insurance is not an accepted carrier. Thus, if I choose to make them my new mental healthcare provider, I will have to pay a significant amount out of pocket each month. In all honesty, I am trying to avoid this. However, I did apply because Arionna’s profile seems to be exactly the type of service I need and would like to continue to get. I also selected the option to continue Autism Spectrum Disorder testing. I had the initial assessment for autism about 2 years ago, and I have been learning more about myself and coming to terms with WHY I am the way I am and how much of me centers around neurodivergence.

The mission statement for Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness is:

At Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness, our mission is to nurture the roots of well-being. We are committed to delivering compassionate, holistic, and evidence-based care that empowers individuals, families, and communities to thrive. Our dedication to creating an inclusive environment fosters growth, healing, and fulfillment for our clients. With an unwavering commitment to professional excellence and continuous improvement, our aim is to positively impact the mental and overall well-being of our community.

The above is what led me to apply to this organization. I also watched a short YouTube clip from the Founder/Executive Director, Chantal Hayes, and was slightly moved to learn more about the people Banyan Tree employs. The location is not far from me and I can choose in-person or virtual/telehealth care.

The other organization I researched and applied to is Camel City Counseling. My former therapist and I discussed them as well. On a list of four recommendations, these two spoke to me the most. I read through their mission statement and was immediately lured in. Here is a snippet of what Camel City Counseling offers:

We specialize in working with motivated clients, the perfectionist, the family struggle, the couple rekindling their desire, the trauma survivor, the hurting, the anxious, the body loather, the overachiever, the overcomer, the attention deficit, the highly sensitive. We believe that mental health is physical health, and vice versa. We see you and we care.

When you work with us, you will experience authenticity and integrity. Our passionate focus is meeting people where they are and walking with them toward their goals in a warm, relational manner. We will sit “side by side” with you on your journey of change. We will never give up on your success and wellbeing.

After reading three profiles on their website for three VERY different providers, I selected Zanita Harrison for whom I’d like to be my next provider. Her background and current specialization is what would be helpful to me. Her personal statement helped seal the deal as the person of interest for me, too: “WANTS CLIENTS TO DEVELOP PERSONAL STRENGTH, DEEP UNDERSTANDING IN RELATIONSHIPS, AND FEEL MORE CONFIDENT IN THEIR COMMUNICATION OR SELF ADVOCACY.”

This organization also specializes in additional assessments for Autism Spectrum Disorder. They also . . . wait for it . . . ACCEPT MY INSURANCE! The last part is a plus as I do not want to pay out of pocket for services that should undoubtedly be offered to human beings for free. I also have the option for in-person care or virtual/telehealth. I will await a response from them by allowing 24-72 hours.

My former therapist is a Caucasian woman in her late 60s. She provided me with several tools to use as I grow older and move through the challenges of life. I will never forget what we shared, how we grew together, and her incredible attention to detail and assistance in me learning who I am and why outside of racial demographics and gender/sex orientation. I am moving forward now after so many long and tired exhalations.

The hard part to all of this is over and now . . . I wait.