awakened
Category: Depression
She Walks and Thunder Takes a Bow
Remember my neighbor who has thunder in her heels?
I introduced myself one night as she was storming down the hall. Her smile appeared before I could part my lips, “Hey! Good evening! I’m Tre, by the way.” She nodded and acknowledged me as I fumbled with my keys, attempting to lock my door. “Hey, Tre. Nice to meet you. I’m Marcella.” I instantly think, And now, I know her name. I can greet her accordingly from this moment forward.
She strikes me as someone who commands the air around her to be still and it probably will. She’s not rude–no, not by a long shot. At least, not from what I can tell. She is, however, stern and confident in her approach to things. I get this–I can sense this. And why shouldn’t she be?
Marcella bolts around the corner just past my door and smiles in my direction once again, “Good night, Tre.” I am taken aback by this as I had already started to head down the hall in the opposite direction, but I don’t let the opportunity pass me by to wish her a good night also . . . “Oh! Good night to you as well, Marcella!”
We’ve made each other’s acquaintance, and I can breathe easier knowing someone’s name who lives just a couple doors down. We are surrounded by people we do not know–may not care to know, however, I must become familiar with people and places in my surroundings. I have always been this way. I doubt I will ever change.
On the eve of a night when bombs land on hospitals and children’s lifeless bodies are removed from debris spread about their homeland, I toss the idea of communing with others just for shits and giggles in my rattled brain. Why aren’t we a more loving people?! What is happening to humanity? Gone are the days when we could see a child slain in broad daylight and our heart splits in two, withers, and slides down to our feet until we’re walking on our pain.
W H Y A R E N ‘T W E E N R A G E D?!
I try to remind myself not to sink too far down the rabbit hole of videos and articles about the goings-on and genocide occurring in a country/land that feels half a world away. But as time ticks on, I watch another reel, read another blurb, and find my eyes fixated on yet another image, and I can’t pull away.
But I think back to Marcella–the woman with thunder in her heels who appears to be forceful yet gentle, too. And I wonder, is she thinking about world issues and how we need to attempt to save humanity also? Or, is she wrapped up in her own little world simply trying to survive while the rest of us who are too sensitive crumble?
And just as I am preparing to read for the night and tuck myself into cottoned delight, I hear her storm down the hall once more.
And I notice thunder take a bow.
World Mental Health Day
I woke up this morning a bit off-kilter with my emotions all over the place.
It’s been stressful at work of late, and I’ve been processing a lot from last year and simply trying to move through everything without completely breaking down.
I haven’t been too successful, but that’s only because I’m stubborn, and I’ve had to be shown I need to take more time away from work.
So feeling all that I’m feeling and knowing I wouldn’t be able to provide my job with 100% of me today, I am taking an FMLA day, and I intend to rest my mind, body, and soul.
Coincidentally, I learned it is World Mental Health Day today. God is always trying to tell us something.
World Mental Health Day (10 Oct) is a day to talk about mental health and show everyone that mental health matters. It’s also a day to let people know that it’s okay to ask for help, no matter what you’re going through.
—Mental Health Foundation
As the theme of World Mental Health Day highlights, ‘mental health is a universal human right’. That’s why at Mental Health Foundation, we’re dedicated to addressing the inequalities in mental health and working towards good mental health for all, not just for some.
If you need this day, please take it. Do not be like me and wait until you’re nearly bursting at the seams from built-up pain and anguish.
Be good to you today.
Peace and blessings.
One More Game
I love this poem–it reminds me of the days when I could run circles around the boys in my neighborhood–how we all avoided going home because no one was at home and nothing was at home but pain.
It may speak to you, too. Visit the author’s site to read the poem in its entirety and to like it/show love, too.
From my eighth-floor windowI could hear hope bounce back and forthon concrete loitered with crack vials. Dirt-caked Nikes were like handsreaching for revolutionin the air. It didn’t get them out of the projects,but Jordan would have been proudthe way these boys balled. It kept their bodies distracted from the hungerof not eating for three days.Here, […]
One More Game
brace yourself
How Natural Light Is Positively Affecting My Mood
On the tail-end of a recent move, I’m basking in light
I awakened this morning to a pool of emotions — overwhelmed by their presence, I called my job and reported the absence I knew I would be taking. Last year, I had several emotional breakdowns, and much of the therapy I had become so used to applying to everyday life dwindled between my fingers and lifted itself away from my mind and body.
I was crumbling.
Because of the incredible shift in my mental health and my heart after experiencing a loss I never thought I would encounter, I applied for FMLA through my job. It took months of convincing from my supervisor and one of my Work Force Managers for me to actually have it sink in that I needed relief.
I needed to be open and honest enough that I could not continue to press forward with the intensity of work I had been pushing myself through while trying to grieve. I wanted to be able to write my way through it — to grieve pleasantly and intact.
But there’s no such thing as grieving pleasantly or remaining intact when there is a loss as deep and as heavy as the loss of my older cousin (who was much like a mother to me). I spent much of 2022 hating every single month without her until November.
The struggles of living life without her were still fresh and weighty, but the days did not feel like Mack trucks driving over my body — crushing me in real-time. I was beginning to experience other emotions instead of anger and pain. I was moving through acceptance, understanding, and trusting the design of this world — even if it meant not having my cousin in it.
And even though I was striding toward digging myself out of a deep pit, some days still hit me harder than most. This being the case, I applied for FMLA in late January of 2023 and was approved in March of 2023. Five months later, I am using my first day as a leave of absence.
Let me reiterate … five months later … the first day of leave is being used. I have had days of PTO that I have requested prior to as commitments to doctors’ visits or the monitoring of my sight, but to actually wake up knowing I would not be 100% mentally available and take the time approved for me to use, I had not used since its approval date.
More Professional Responsibility Leads Me To Care Less About Myself
Today is the end of a 4-week training commitment I acquired. After training five new hires (at once), witnessing their graduation yesterday, and knowing they are equipped with the tools they need to venture out into the radiology scheduling world, I can breathe easier. I was informed earlier this week of the possibility of them getting to log out and go home early from the office, and I beamed with pride.
Part of me wanted to be able to be available for them today remotely and the other part spoke louder — you need to rest. You just moved and you immediately hit the ground running again as if you did not need more time off. They will log off early anyway. You’ve done your job.
So, as you may have guessed, I am listening to the other part of me. I have to.
Late yesterday evening, I had all intentions of getting up this morning, logging on to take calls, and being available for the trainees, but I could not get past the emotional hold on my body and my heart.
As much as I did not want to — the fight between my two selves took place and I begrudgingly pushed the weight of more responsibility to the side and decided to take care of myself first for once in a long time.
The Light of the World Exists In My Living Room
On the tail-end of a recent move, I’m basking in light. To help with my emotional imbalance, I am sitting in one of the spaces in our new home that provides me with plenty of natural light and peacefulness — two things I welcome with open arms.
I had been a black-out and dark curtains person for such a long time, and deciding to allow God’s sunlight into my home in every corner is doing wonders for my mood. And on a day like today, I am more aware of the necessity of it.
I have four plants that I love and adore just as much as Jernee. Their names: Dora, Lyric, Sage, and Jupiter. They have their own little space in the corner closest to Jernee’s resting space and our balcony door, under my artwork display of birds.
While resting in this spot of our home, I am overcome with a variety of beauty and more chances to appreciate what natural light, an open layout, hardwood laminate floors, and color can do for the mind. My mood is enhanced in a positive way and moments of pure joy tap me on my shoulders.
Jernee prances around yet keeps close to me as well. She can sense I am a bit off-kilter — protective mode is on. I am grateful for this, too — her own little version of light for me.
I knew we needed a change. I knew that I could not, would not continue to give my hard-earned money to an organization that refused to carry out its clause when I signed a lease with them five years ago. If I was going to pay the amount of money I was paying, I needed to see and feel the reasons why.
And here, I have my reasons.
Having A Sense of Peace During Rough Times Is Priceless
I do not know what the rest of the day will provide for me — how I’ll move through the overwhelmingness of emotions, and what I will do to further help me get through, but I am thankful for the beginning stages of peace.
I will not take any of this for granted. As I feel more tears readying themselves to trickle down my cheeks, I am grateful for them, too. Being vulnerable when I need to be and accepting the integrity of a grieving mind and its influence whenever it pops up can be motivators.
I welcome peace. I know it will be the end result of doing what I needed to do when I needed to do it.
A Cornered Gurl 
You must be logged in to post a comment.