Category: Aging

Hello, God. How Are You?

trE

Remember me?

WordPress AI-Generated image of an African-American couple in deep thought, anguish, and regret.

I know you do. I ask
Not for a response, but
Rhetorically.
I received news that has
Broken me–torn my heart
Into thousands of pieces, so
I’m coming to you.

I always come to you–in
Sickness, health, during times
Of Sadness, and of joy.
This time, though . . . this
Time is different.

A feeling of worthlessness
Washes over me. I have
Been abandoned, neglected,
Rejected, and looked over for
Second bests and thriving
Environments are rising over
These selections.

Am I not worthy of coupleship?
Am I not worthy of a legacy?

Oh, God, the dog sleeps and
The tortoise has buried itself
Under its bedding in its cave.
They do not hear my cries.
The dog is deaf and the tortoise
Could care less, so I come
To you.

Four months later, he tells
Me of a baby girl he hasn’t been
Able to share . . . hasn’t been
Able to whisper to me of her
Name. Who we were stopped him.
We didn’t want marriage. We
Didn’t want children, but we
Loved them.
He married. He now has a child,
And four months later, he speaks.

About her . . . about the beauty
Behind her eyes.
My phone floods with pictures
Of this sweet and precious soul,
And I see him in her, his mother,
And his father, and then he says,
“We need to talk, but I’ll have
To find time to do so freely,
I didn’t want to
Tell you like this.”

And I break down.
Not from sadness about the
News. Not because I am
Not “The One.” But because he
Felt like he couldn’t tell me.
But because he felt like our
History–our trauma from our
Upbringings would crush his
Words.

How do you tell the
One you didn’t marry, you didn’t
Have children with because you
Both were afraid that you now
Have crossed off the second
Thing y’all never wanted to do?

I put on his shoes.
I take a walk in them.
I try to understand.
I take long, deep breaths, and
Then, I cry.

God, we are where we are
Because of the decisions
WE made. We ran. We felt
Like we would mess up
Just as our parents did.
We didn’t want to fuck up
Children–break the cycle,
Shift the curse . . .

Fear will make you miss out
On life. And it did. With us.
Keep him safe. His wife, too.
And now, his baby girl.
Please, God. I know you will.
I know you can.

And the pain I feel now
Will not be with me next year.
I will be free. I will accept
What is and what will be.
I know that my life as it is
Now will not be what it is
In the future.

Whatever you do, God,
While you’re remembering my
Prayers for him and his family,

Please remember me.

“Write Your Own Story”

trE

Lune, 3 Parts

Someone placed a label with the phrase, “Write Your Own Story” on one of our elevator doors, tucked neatly in the corner. Had I not been paying attention, I would have missed this message. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

write your own story
the message
could save my scared soul

change is a constant
that’s a truth
no one can deny

I’m ready to move
ahead now
time waits for no man

“Take Life 15 Minutes At a Time.”

trE

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

I usually do not answer the daily prompt questions, but this one, I just could not pass up.

The best advice I have ever been given came from one of my older cousins who told me “Take life 15 minutes at a time.”

She stated this because I was having a horrible day that seemed as though it would seep into my weekend, and in her stern yet casual way, she simply let it roll off her tongue and it sunk in for me.

The well-known saying is “One day at a time”, but a full day is 24 hours. That is a HUGE CHUNK of time to try and press through without faltering or falling short of goals.

But to breathe and take on fifteen minutes at a time in life is a much better concept. And I have used this method for the last eight years.

My best friend likes to believe she was the one who told me this, but she was not. Lol! I distinctively remember my cousin with her no-nonsense speech and the swag of a Queen who held all the tricks in the palm of her hand tell me this bit of advice, and I shared it with my best friend.

Needless to say, I use it as advice for others who feel like they’re losing their way. I will typically say, “Breathe . . . and take life fifteen minutes at a time.” I also let them know my cousin lent the same advice to me and it works.

When I am steadfast in applying it and I give myself the grace I need, it truly works.

Maybe you will find this to be applicable for you and your life, too. I hope you will.

Do not try to tackle a full day at a time. Take it in little chunks–15 minutes. And breathe.

Autumn is finally here! Let’s celebrate that fact, shall we?!

Peace and blessings.

what the body thinks of sexy weather

trE

this morning, the body failed
to jolt up in routine.
I flounced on the bed,
unsure of where I was, and
the aches hit me.

could it be an early Autumn
cold or the flu or the dreaded
COVID-19 finally coming
to test my strength?

sexy weather greeted us earlier
this week and the change
is changing me.
I know this day will be
spent huddling under covers,
sipping licorice tea with raw honey,
and watching movies.

I can’t bring myself to do
much else.

woe to the woman whose
weekend will be spent
nursing herself back to
health because even though
I am ready for the weather to
thunder roll in an inviting way,
the body is not.

Hello September, You Sexy Thing!

trE
10-Day Weather Forecast for Winston-Salem, NC.

I am in love with weather that
pulls you into a tight
embrace and offers you time
to appreciate death & dying
for the renewal of strength
and life.

It is shaping up to be the
time of year when animals
scrape at the barrels of
nature to begin their pursuit
of unlimited rest; the time of
year when sun settles
into the clouds a little longer
and wind shimmies in,
performing its best act.

Our walks will be longer.
Our food will be hotter.
Our clothes will be warmer.

And everything that makes up
Autumn will sashay into
the rooms of our hearts, making
this state a bit more tolerable
in the weeks to come.

I will drink in the goodness
of a season that is always
on time.

The dog and the tortoise are
growing old and I am
an ancient soul trapped in
this aging body still yearning
for the Fountain of Youth
to offer its purity in life.

For now, I will take this
shift in weather as a
peace offering until
healing comes at the heels
of our feet.
We’re all eager to walk
this road of life temporarily
unscathed.

I long for Autumn when it is not around, and in just a few weeks, that will be a truth I will love to embrace. Happy September! And Happy Labor Day, if you celebrate. May today be full of rest, relaxing, and enjoying good food, friends, and family.

Peace and blessings.

Sisterhood Powers Through It All

trE

A Book Review

Single Black Female by Tracy Brown. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

Last night, I finished reading the second of the three books by Tracy Brown, purchased for my birthday as gifts from my best friend, and I truly like this one so much more than Hold You Down.

Don’t get me wrong, both books are sensational and the author does a great job introducing developed and layered characters to us in each delivery. Still, something about Single Black Female will stick with me for many years to come.

Below is the Amazon review I submitted:

“I Got Emotional So Many Times

And I am not afraid to admit that. “Single Black Female” is the story so many Black women can relate to.

I love how the author, Tracy Brown, depicts each character. We get a full view of each of their personalities, and it’s a believable fictional tale. I found myself connecting with each of the four women: Ivy, Coco, Nikki, & Deja. I feel like there’s a sliver of each of them within me.

Their bond and closeness reminded me of true friendship and sisterhood. I got so emotional during several chapters and at the very end as well.

It is a breath of fresh air reading a happy and positive ending. One that showcases the women having a delightful conversation and enjoying themselves amongst the peace and somewhat quiet of Brooklyn for a “picnic.”

I teared up simply thinking about the women closest to me and about my brothers and my baby sister, and how hard I would war for all of them if I had to–be it against authoritative figures or their friends and loved ones.

The power and authenticity of love and its effectiveness of a genuine friendship know no bounds and can withstand any evil. And Tracy Brown does such an amazing job portraying that with this book.

I highly recommend it!”

If you’re looking to pick up a book that will stir something alive in you and make you remember just how grateful you are for friendship and love amid turmoil, this book will do exactly that.