we’re living in the last
days of working together
and both of us are losing
peace, but we don’t want
to admit it.
she thinks my leaving would
cause me to gravitate toward
another or forget her or let
go of what we’ve built, and
I’m shouting from the highest
of heights that this is
false.
we are connected in a way
that cannot be damaged.
she knows this–holding on
makes her feel like she’s
letting go.
“We are so much more than
work-related. This environment
doesn’t define us.”
and she sees, then hears
those words, but fear is
still a marker I have to fight.
“I say what I mean, and I mean
what I say. We will still be us.”
I know insecurity lies
in the depths of her beating
heart and at the base of
her troubled mind, but I’m
giving her my word.
“You can’t say I haven’t kept
my word. For as long as
you’ve known me, I have
never disappointed you.”
she admits the truth of this,
yet I still have to kick through
past culprits to show her
I am who I say I am.
tomorrow is a day we don’t
want to see.
there are mixed feelings, but
an inkling of happiness
caresses my heart.
I am changing even though I’m
scared to death.
I am moving on from a place
I’ve known for years . . .
and she thinks the gravity
of the intensity of this
change will move me away
from her, too.
try as I might, I can only
do what I have been doing.
I cannot make her believe.
Tag: Growth
Two Things Thursday #22
1. Growing Things is a collage of two photos of two different vegetables I am growing on my balcony: cherry tomatoes & cucumbers. I am using garden growing bags, and they’re doing their job so far.
I said to myself months ago that when I was fully settled in our current apartment, I would start a balcony garden, and so, I did.
I also wanted to do red potatoes, but the planting bundle was damaged in transit. This was perhaps a blessing in disguise because I honestly don’t think I would have been able to manage the potatoes’ upkeep on my balcony space.
Thus, I am awaiting the seeds of carrots and the planting bundle of Brussels sprouts.
After just two weeks of being planted, I have the beginnings of my first ever planted vegetables, and I am truly happy about their progress.
Wish me luck, please!
2. Selma Martin’s Baby is a photo of a fellow WordPress writer’s book, In The Shadow Of Rainbows. I recently read it and I reviewed it via Amazon. Here is what I had to say:
“The author, Selma Martin, brings everything to the table with In The Shadow Of Rainbows. It is a power-packed delightful collection of poetry regarding form, meter, rhyme, scale, and perfectly placed line breaks.
I was taken on so many visually-enhanced journeys as I thumbed through the pages and experienced each poem. I emoted in every way while highlighting and making notes in the margins of certain pages for selected poems. It is a quick read, but one you will be moved to savor. What an excellent reprieve in which to take joy during these trying times!
If you’re looking for a proper escape and a rabbit hole worth falling into, I recommend this book ten times over.”
I thoroughly enjoyed this offering. You will, too, especially if you’re a fan of poetry.
the taming of fear
an audio poem
fear, uninvited, sat with me
on a dark and gloomy day.
I offered it a glass of sweet tea.
if it was going to be here for
a while, it might as well quench
its thirst.
I usually run straight toward it;
my arms spread out for a hug
that never comes,
but today was different.
I spoke to it on a faith-based level.
I informed fear that if it
planned on staying, it would
have to do some work around
here–earn its keep.
I need love and care, confidence and hope, trust
and reassurance, and I wanted it to
understand if it did not intend
to provide those things, the
portal to my life would close
soon.
so, fear tried to negotiate with
me; if it showed up on Monday
and Thursday, would I have time
for it?
I listened to its offer, bathed the
details in the back of my
mind, and politely declined.
I decided I no longer wanted to
be stunted by this marriage.
taming fear is taking time,
but we’re both learning and growing.
pretty soon, I believe it’ll
be able to get along in
life without me.
The Hard Part Is Over and Now . . . I Wait.
I applied to two psychological/therapeutic organizations as recommended by my former therapist and my nerves are getting the best of me.
This morning, I did the second part of what I have been dreading for nearly two months: I applied to two psychological/therapeutic organizations as recommended by my former therapist. To say that I am nervous is an understatement. But I knew this had to be done, and I am proud of myself for taking the second step in continuing my mental healthcare and surveillance from a professional.
I started by researching the second center my former therapist and I discussed as the name struck me as inviting and serene: Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness. I read through the organization’s mission and vision statement and familiarized myself with about four of the profiles for their providers. I landed on Arionna Wilkerson within the first three minutes, marked her mentally, and said, “Let’s come back to her.” I read through three more profiles and circled back to Arionna Wilkerson. I completed the new applicant form and will await the recommended 24-48 hours turnaround time before reaching out to the organization if I have not heard from a representative before their requested turnaround time.
The downside to this organization is my insurance is not an accepted carrier. Thus, if I choose to make them my new mental healthcare provider, I will have to pay a significant amount out of pocket each month. In all honesty, I am trying to avoid this. However, I did apply because Arionna’s profile seems to be exactly the type of service I need and would like to continue to get. I also selected the option to continue Autism Spectrum Disorder testing. I had the initial assessment for autism about 2 years ago, and I have been learning more about myself and coming to terms with WHY I am the way I am and how much of me centers around neurodivergence.
The mission statement for Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness is:
At Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness, our mission is to nurture the roots of well-being. We are committed to delivering compassionate, holistic, and evidence-based care that empowers individuals, families, and communities to thrive. Our dedication to creating an inclusive environment fosters growth, healing, and fulfillment for our clients. With an unwavering commitment to professional excellence and continuous improvement, our aim is to positively impact the mental and overall well-being of our community.
The above is what led me to apply to this organization. I also watched a short YouTube clip from the Founder/Executive Director, Chantal Hayes, and was slightly moved to learn more about the people Banyan Tree employs. The location is not far from me and I can choose in-person or virtual/telehealth care.
The other organization I researched and applied to is Camel City Counseling. My former therapist and I discussed them as well. On a list of four recommendations, these two spoke to me the most. I read through their mission statement and was immediately lured in. Here is a snippet of what Camel City Counseling offers:
We specialize in working with motivated clients, the perfectionist, the family struggle, the couple rekindling their desire, the trauma survivor, the hurting, the anxious, the body loather, the overachiever, the overcomer, the attention deficit, the highly sensitive. We believe that mental health is physical health, and vice versa. We see you and we care.
When you work with us, you will experience authenticity and integrity. Our passionate focus is meeting people where they are and walking with them toward their goals in a warm, relational manner. We will sit “side by side” with you on your journey of change. We will never give up on your success and wellbeing.
After reading three profiles on their website for three VERY different providers, I selected Zanita Harrison for whom I’d like to be my next provider. Her background and current specialization is what would be helpful to me. Her personal statement helped seal the deal as the person of interest for me, too: “WANTS CLIENTS TO DEVELOP PERSONAL STRENGTH, DEEP UNDERSTANDING IN RELATIONSHIPS, AND FEEL MORE CONFIDENT IN THEIR COMMUNICATION OR SELF ADVOCACY.”
This organization also specializes in additional assessments for Autism Spectrum Disorder. They also . . . wait for it . . . ACCEPT MY INSURANCE! The last part is a plus as I do not want to pay out of pocket for services that should undoubtedly be offered to human beings for free. I also have the option for in-person care or virtual/telehealth. I will await a response from them by allowing 24-72 hours.
My former therapist is a Caucasian woman in her late 60s. She provided me with several tools to use as I grow older and move through the challenges of life. I will never forget what we shared, how we grew together, and her incredible attention to detail and assistance in me learning who I am and why outside of racial demographics and gender/sex orientation. I am moving forward now after so many long and tired exhalations.
The hard part to all of this is over and now . . . I wait.
I Am Learning How to Live a Softer Life
My third article about my maneuvering through perimenopause is up now at “Navigating the Change.“ I am always so grateful to K. E. (Kathy) Garland, for hosting my work on this incredible website for women battling and growing with the changes in their mid-life bodies. You can read my latest article, I Am Learning How to Live a Softer Life by navigating to the reblogged snippet below. Please comment, share, and like on the original post.
I hope you enjoy it!
in the end
A Cornered Gurl 
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