Tag: Writing

If I Didn’t Have Zumi…

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I’m certain it’d be ten times harder to deal with the loss of Jernee

Zumi Tye: Sunday Morning Antics Part I

I got Zumi Tye just a little under one month before Jernee Timid’s sixteenth birthday last year. I had wanted an aquatic turtle, and upon my search to attain one, I was unsuccessful.

They’re harder to purchase as a pet you intend to domesticate because of various laws. I went to four different locations, and at the final location, which was the Reptile Zoo and Pet Center, the owner and pet handler schooled me on land-based tortoises, instead, and I fell in love with the idea of having a land-based tortoise instead of an aquatic turtle.

I fervently believe that if I did not have Zumi Tye during this time, it would be ten times harder for me to adjust to life without Jernee.

I still have something to care for, something to receive all this shackled-up love, and something to grow with me. It’s a beautiful feeling to know that all is not lost, and ZuZu needs me just as much as I need it. I believe God does what He does before we see the end result. He knows what we need before we need it. And with this little reptile of mine, I’m never sad for an entire day.

It absolutely will not let me wallow, and maybe that’s a little bit of Jernee shining through, too.

Zumi Tye: Sunday Morning Antics Part II

I miss my sweet and fierce girl, but there’s still NEVER a dull moment in our home.

Happy Sunday, beautiful people. May you share the shackled-up love you have inside you with someone or something today.

Peace and blessings.

Have you gotten your copy of my new book: a collection of serial tales & flash fiction, Séduire (E-Book and Paperback) yet?

I recently signed up to write on Substack as well. Poking the Bear’s Belly for Fun is a place of healing as I speak about the most recent events with a previous place of employment, as it pertains to racism and discrimination, growth from the transition after resigning from that company, and life’s foibles and overall experiences. I welcome your visit.

horde escape & on our terms

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Two poems shared on Substack notes

horde escape

you will most likely never find me in
a horde of people looking as though
I’m in a place that carries comfort.

If I am, I assure you, I’m forcing my
body to be at peace, to try to enjoy my
surroundings. I’m never at ease in
those situations.

they are few. they are far between.
the path leading to them fades away
more as the years pile on to my age.

I am not who I used to be, I’m a
new person in an old body.
I’m both familiar and unfamiliar, and this
is what intrigues
you.

on our terms

the most difficult thing I experienced
with Jernee during her decline were the
lucid moments. I feared becoming
looped into their trap.

she wasn’t the same, and I knew
that, heart & soul, but sometimes my
baby would look up at me as if she
recognized my face, and I’d be putty
in five seconds.

“it’s only going to get worse” became the
anthem in my home, followed by, “this
sounds like a brain tumor,” and with
each regressive instance, I was
reassured…

I cut death to the quick, and
offered it a seat at the table.

if it was going to take my baby, it’d
be on our terms.
but was it, though?

Have you gotten your copy of my new book: a collection of serial tales & flash fiction, Séduire (E-Book and Paperback) yet?

I recently signed up to write on Substack as well. Poking the Bear’s Belly for Fun is a place of healing as I speak about the most recent events with a previous place of employment, as it pertains to racism and discrimination, growth from the transition after resigning from that company, and life’s foibles and overall experiences. I welcome your visit.

Poem for an Image

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#6: Saturday lunch

Throwback cooking: I purchased a small can of Crisco All Vegetable Shortening because I was feeling nostalgic, and I’m glad I did. My fish tasted like crispy heaven, and my cheese grits were absolutely delicious! Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

a late lunch, early dinner
after a day of work;
overtime was easy to
get, needed the distraction.

a full belly clapped in
appreciation, my legs
buckled twenty minutes
after–naptime knocked at
my temples, rest found
me in a zone.

I needed the food.
I needed the sleep.

Have you gotten your copy of my new book: a collection of serial tales & flash fiction, Séduire (E-Book and Paperback) yet?

I recently signed up to write on Substack as well. Poking the Bear’s Belly for Fun is a place of healing as I speak about the most recent events with a previous place of employment, as it pertains to racism and discrimination, growth from the transition after resigning from that company, and life’s foibles and overall experiences. I welcome your visit.

The Sweet Reminder of Dog Heaven

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A Book Review

Dog Heaven by Cynthia Ryfant. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

A writing buddy had the above book delivered to me on Saturday, September 13, 2025. I’d viewed my camera/doorbell’s activity while I was visiting with my mother and noticed someone leaving a package. I hadn’t ordered anything, so my mind began racing about what it could be. Shortly after, I recalled a lovely and talented writing friend of mine requesting my mailing address; confirming it, really, and a lightbulb flickered.

Part of me wanted to get home to see what it could possibly be, and the other part of me wanted to remain right where I was with my mom, so as to not shed any more tears for the weekend.

I was happy to see the above book. Although I would mark the age range for this book for children, ages 4-12, anyone can benefit from reading Dog Heaven. It gave me all the feels and lifted me up during my deepest moments of sorrow.

Below is the review I left for it on Amazon and Goodreads.

I needed this book! 

After recently losing my sweet Little Monster of 17 years, I came home from visiting my mom and found this book at my door.

A writing buddy of mine had it sent to me. Knowing my connection and love for my dog, she thought it would be the perfect gesture. Someone she knows had the same book delivered to her shortly after she dealt with the loss of her dog.

Dog Heaven not only made me smile, but it calmed my heart. It allowed me to shed a few tears while reflecting on the best memories I have of my time spent with my little one. It made me believe my purpose was fulfilled with my dog.

Chock full of happy feelings, sweet illustrations, and a loving storyline for everyone to enjoy, Dog Heaven is a great book to gift to someone grieving and dealing with a fresh loss of their pet.

It’s a tiny glimmer of hope, sprinkled with joy, and wrapped in love.

Grief is going to continue to come in waves. Mourning will only be as beautiful and self-serving as I will allow it, but this book… this book helped me immediately after the change in my life felt like real change.

If you know anyone dealing with the loss of their pet, I recommend this book. It is truly near and dear to my heart now, and I could not have asked for anything better.

Have you gotten your copy of my new book: a collection of serial tales & flash fiction, Séduire (E-Book and Paperback) yet?

I recently signed up to write on Substack as well. Poking the Bear’s Belly for Fun is a place of healing as I speak about the most recent events with a previous place of employment, as it pertains to racism and discrimination, growth from the transition after resigning from that company, and life’s foibles and overall experiences. I welcome your visit.

Erasing Jernee on Paper

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But not from my heart

Spending my last 15 minutes with my baby, Jernee Timid, while she was in the twilight phase of her End-of-Life process. At this point, we were talking about Jernee’s character and how she was VERY MUCH a DIVA, and I am clearly not. We took time to laugh, too. Friday, September 12, 2025. Photo Credit: Karlie B. Cornelius

you didn’t know we needed to
do a thorough walkthrough of your
apartment to make sure the
dog you say is dead is really… dead?
it’s in your lease–a clause; once your pet
has transitioned, in order to reverse any
pet rent fees, we have to verify what needs
to be verified.

silly me, here I was thinking the
receipt from the vet’s office with
the amount it costs for the
euthanasia services would be
enough. it’s not.
you actually want to come to
my unit, lay eyes on my private
space, and look for a being who
is no longer alive.

be my guest.

I’d say inconsiderate. I’d say insensitive.
but this feels like garbage–the icky
kind that bulges up at the
bottom of the bin and sticks to
the corners of it when the city comes to
dump the contents in their truck.
I comply.
after all, we must follow the rules.

I make the request to delete my
information from the PetSmart app, submit
my request to deactivate Chewy, and
issue a note to PetScreening that asks
you to select the reason the
account is no longer necessary.
“Jernee Timid has passed away.”
“I have re-homed Jernee Timid.”
“Jernee Timid has run away.”
“This profile for Jernee Timid is a duplicate.”
“I am no longer residing at the associated property.”

I select the first option.
I am prompted to confirm what I
have selected–make sure I’m not a robot.
I click submit and watch the words
flash across the screen regarding how
this company will make my apartment
community’s property manager aware of
the information I submitted to them.

everyone wants to be sure my baby
has zero breaths left…that
she really is taking a dirt nap,
and have I really lost the best
thing that has happened to my heart
since learning how to love?

I could not have prepared myself for
erasure of this magnitude.
Jernee’s not here, but she is.
Jernee’s not here, but she is.
Jernee’s not here, but everyone
believes that she is.

and my heart knows she is not.
but my heart has a special place
for her where she will always linger…
and the boot soles of capitalism may take her
away from me on paper, but they’ll never
strip her away from the lining of
a muscle that beats strongly for her
in life and in death.

Have you gotten your copy of my new book: a collection of serial tales & flash fiction, Séduire (E-Book and Paperback) yet?

I recently signed up to write on Substack as well. Poking the Bear’s Belly for Fun is a place of healing as I speak about the most recent events with a previous place of employment, as it pertains to racism and discrimination, growth from the transition after resigning from that company, and life’s foibles and overall experiences. I welcome your visit.

In Life and In Dying

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Part III: There is no routine anymore; we just wing it

Part II of the previous video: Jernee and post-breakfast-time|the treat.

I called Jernee’s Vet yesterday, Monday, September 08, 2025, and made sure the Intake Receptionist changed our upcoming appointment to reflect an End-of-Life visit and not to simply discuss it.

Since my last post, several other things have taken place, including Jernee developing a head tic and now walking robotically and in calculated steps. I wish I could describe it much better, but this is how I see it come to life in my mind when I think of how to describe it to others.

She also snapped at one of our neighbors and almost bit her this past Saturday, September 06, 2025, and then did the same thing to me on Sunday, September 07, 2025. Let me be clear… Jernee has NEVER done this. She loves our neighbors and is such a welcoming presence to anyone she meets.

I can only imagine what my baby girl is going through, how her world must look and feel incredibly foreign to her. I was assured by the Intake Receptionist that everything I told her about Jernee warrants euthanasia. She is only going to get worse.

Below are the documentation notes I emailed to our vet, and I also shared two of the six videos I recorded of her. The Vet who is going to perform the service will review the information and prepare herself accordingly:

Saturday, August 23, 2025, at 10:15 AM, Jernee urinated in her bed while staring off in a dazed and confused state. I had just given her a bath and placed her in her bed because she couldn’t get there on her own.

Monday, August 25, 2025, at 5:17 PM, Jernee fell while standing up while waiting for me to open our door.

Thursday, August 28, 2025 at 05:52 AM, Jernee ran full speed into our coat closet door right across from our bedroom entrance while I was tidying up her crate’s bedding.

Same Day: At 7:24 PM, Jernee urinated on the concrete path directly in front of our building’s door. She has never done that.

Saturday, August 30,2025 (time, unknown): Jernee urinated on the living room rug while I was away at work. This is not something she does normally.

Same Day, 5:55 PM: Jernee ran head on, full speed into the wall of the elevator.

Sunday, August 31, 2025, at 3:55 PM: Jernee pooped in the middle of the street.

Monday, September 01, 2025 at 09:22 AM: Jernee urinated in the street/pathway to our grassy areas of our apartment community.

Same Day at 6:06 PM: Jernee pooped on the sidewalk. She has almost no control over her bowels anymore.

Thursday, September 04, 2025 (time unknown): Jernee urinated in the middle of our living room floor. We have hardwood floors, and there are always 2 pee pee pads down for her in front of our fireplace.

Saturday, September 06, 2025, at 3:50 PM: Jernee snapped at one of our neighbors while she was gently petting her. She loves our neighbors, and was typically very open to being petted by them.

Sunday, September 07, 2025, at 07:57 AM: While outside, Jernee stared off into the distance and barked twice. Nothing was there.

Same day, at 7:40 PM: While on the elevator in our building, I attempted to stroke Jernee’s head, and she snapped at me, and tried to bite me.

I have the box that Jernee will be buried in, and I will wrap it in all brown wrapping paper. I’ll place her on a towel and blanket, and put her stuffed monkey in the box with her.

Friday is just around the corner, and my baby’s last days are, in fact, last days.

How will I be without her? Who will I be without her? What will I do without her?

I foresee a lot of sad days ahead after this coming Friday, but I will also reach into my memory bank and pull out my fondest memories of her, of us. I have known the best love a human being can know; one without conditions, judgment, or manipulation.

I am so blessed.

Part I and Part II