Tag: Writing

In Life and In Dying

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Part III: There is no routine anymore; we just wing it

Part II of the previous video: Jernee and post-breakfast-time|the treat.

I called Jernee’s Vet yesterday, Monday, September 08, 2025, and made sure the Intake Receptionist changed our upcoming appointment to reflect an End-of-Life visit and not to simply discuss it.

Since my last post, several other things have taken place, including Jernee developing a head tic and now walking robotically and in calculated steps. I wish I could describe it much better, but this is how I see it come to life in my mind when I think of how to describe it to others.

She also snapped at one of our neighbors and almost bit her this past Saturday, September 06, 2025, and then did the same thing to me on Sunday, September 07, 2025. Let me be clear… Jernee has NEVER done this. She loves our neighbors and is such a welcoming presence to anyone she meets.

I can only imagine what my baby girl is going through, how her world must look and feel incredibly foreign to her. I was assured by the Intake Receptionist that everything I told her about Jernee warrants euthanasia. She is only going to get worse.

Below are the documentation notes I emailed to our vet, and I also shared two of the six videos I recorded of her. The Vet who is going to perform the service will review the information and prepare herself accordingly:

Saturday, August 23, 2025, at 10:15 AM, Jernee urinated in her bed while staring off in a dazed and confused state. I had just given her a bath and placed her in her bed because she couldn’t get there on her own.

Monday, August 25, 2025, at 5:17 PM, Jernee fell while standing up while waiting for me to open our door.

Thursday, August 28, 2025 at 05:52 AM, Jernee ran full speed into our coat closet door right across from our bedroom entrance while I was tidying up her crate’s bedding.

Same Day: At 7:24 PM, Jernee urinated on the concrete path directly in front of our building’s door. She has never done that.

Saturday, August 30,2025 (time, unknown): Jernee urinated on the living room rug while I was away at work. This is not something she does normally.

Same Day, 5:55 PM: Jernee ran head on, full speed into the wall of the elevator.

Sunday, August 31, 2025, at 3:55 PM: Jernee pooped in the middle of the street.

Monday, September 01, 2025 at 09:22 AM: Jernee urinated in the street/pathway to our grassy areas of our apartment community.

Same Day at 6:06 PM: Jernee pooped on the sidewalk. She has almost no control over her bowels anymore.

Thursday, September 04, 2025 (time unknown): Jernee urinated in the middle of our living room floor. We have hardwood floors, and there are always 2 pee pee pads down for her in front of our fireplace.

Saturday, September 06, 2025, at 3:50 PM: Jernee snapped at one of our neighbors while she was gently petting her. She loves our neighbors, and was typically very open to being petted by them.

Sunday, September 07, 2025, at 07:57 AM: While outside, Jernee stared off into the distance and barked twice. Nothing was there.

Same day, at 7:40 PM: While on the elevator in our building, I attempted to stroke Jernee’s head, and she snapped at me, and tried to bite me.

I have the box that Jernee will be buried in, and I will wrap it in all brown wrapping paper. I’ll place her on a towel and blanket, and put her stuffed monkey in the box with her.

Friday is just around the corner, and my baby’s last days are, in fact, last days.

How will I be without her? Who will I be without her? What will I do without her?

I foresee a lot of sad days ahead after this coming Friday, but I will also reach into my memory bank and pull out my fondest memories of her, of us. I have known the best love a human being can know; one without conditions, judgment, or manipulation.

I am so blessed.

Part I and Part II

In Life and In Dying

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Part II: I have two jobs now; I didn’t know caretaking for a senior dog would be this hard.

August 22, 2025. Part I of a two-part video of a regular morning with Jernee, now as she continues to decline.

This is the first part of how our mornings go now that Jernee is no longer fully independent. She cannot hear. She cannot see. She is losing her faculties and is not truly aware of where she is and what to do.

Being a watchdog for your dog is crazy work, but I eagle-eye her like a hawk, trying my best to keep her safe and to comfort her. The facial expressions she wears now are a combination of confused, lost, sad, and frustrated. My baby girl rarely looks excited, happy, and free these days.

This is the video I cannot watch without breaking down; without losing my cool and feeling like a partial failure because of what’s happening to her. Logically, I know I am not at fault. I know this is God’s plan. We all have to make our grand exit off of this plane and onto the next, but tell that to my heart.

I don’t get much sleep. She wakes up at random hours during the night in a mild state of confusion, or she wants to go outside to potty, or it’s a combination of both.

When she’s whining, I know she’s confused, and she simply needs to be calmed down, so I soothe her and put her in the bed with me. Those moments are the hardest.

I have had to find new ways to keep her safe while I’m at home because if she cannot sense my presence, she will run around our apartment frantically until she can. If she knows I’m at home, she wants me near her, no questions about it.

Taking this into consideration and knowing I do not want her to injure herself, I place her bed we use for sitting outside on our balcony, in the kitchen and bathrooms so she can be around me. Wild, right?!

Yes, you may be saying to yourself, “Why are you doing this?!” But if you witness how terrified Jernee is when she knows I am home and she doesn’t sense me, you would understand.

Jernee Timid: sitting at our kitchen’s entrance in her bed while I prepare her and Zumi’s food, and clean up afterward. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

When I do this, there is peace in our home. She isn’t whining. She isn’t terrified and panting from searching throughout our apartment for me. She isn’t alone. She knows Mommy isn’t too far away, and that comforts her.

And as long as she is comfortable and in a peaceful state, then I can be “right as rain.”

Please do not let anyone tell you that caring for a senior dog who is declining is easy. I am bearing witness and living through it, and can testify that it is not. It is a labor of love, and a multitude of patience should be in tow.

If you cannot love and you are not patient, do not become a dog owner. Eventually, you will have to endure the inevitable, and they deserve people who will walk calmly and lovingly alongside them toward the end.

Part I

Opening Lyrics To Songs That I Love

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Bonus: Anita Baker, I Apologize

Operator, get my baby on the line/
‘Cause just the other night we had a horrible fight/
I admit that I, I was out of control/
But I still love my man with my body and soul/

Anita Baker, I Apologize via YouTube

This has been one of my favorite segments on my blog in a very long time! Thank you for joining me for Opening Lyrics to Songs That I Love!

“I Apologize” is a song by American recording artist Anita Baker, released in October 1994 as the second single from her fifth album, Rhythm of Love (1994). The song peaked at number eight on the US Billboard Hot R&B Singles chart and number 74 on the Billboard Hot 100. It won her a Grammy Award for Best Female R&B Vocal Performance.

“I Apologize” entered Billboard‘s Hot R&B Airplay chart on November 5, 1994, and rose up to number 5 at the end of February 1995. The song hit number 1 on Billboard‘s Adult R&B Airplay chart on February 4, 1995, spending 38 weeks on the chart. At the same time, the song peaked at number 8 on the R&B chart.[1] In the UK, “I Apologize” broke into the pop singles chart at number 80 on July 2, 1995, and dropped out the next week.[2]

British magazine Music Week gave the song three out of five, writing, “Baker goes jungle? But her strong vocals retain the original feel of these tracks, creating a soulful jungle splice-up.”[3] Chuck Campbell from Knoxville News Sentinel felt that here, the singer “glides into the subtlety of a more refined arrangement”.[4] Jonathan Bernstein from Spin declared it as “a request-line perennial-in-the-making”.[5]—Wikipedia

If you’ve watched the video, I should not have to say much about this song. It’s soft. It’s mellow. It’s beautifully arranged. And Anita’s voice is the Chef’s kiss. Everything it needs to be, it is, and I appreciate its classic and timeless existence. I always will.

Thank you for joining me on this musical journey. It has been fun sharing some of my favorite songs and their captivating opening lyrics.

Great Things Are Ahead for The Conversation

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A Book Review

The Setup for reading and relaxing. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

I have been reading books for an extremely long time; I started when I was at least three or four years old. Dr. Seuss’ books lined my childhood bookshelf.

But I have only been reviewing books that I have read for maybe twenty years?

I have learned that constructive criticism and your honest opinion aren’t always welcome by certain writers/creatives. With a few that I have encountered, ego gets in the way, and they feel as though everything they put into the ether will shit gold and piss silver.

But it will not. If an unedited book has a great core, a grounded foundation, a plot that readers can follow, and versatility, that book can be salvaged, edited, and reintroduced to the world to get the flowers it deserves.

And I know this can and will happen for “The Conversation” by J. R. Floyd. Below is the review I shared for it on both Amazon and Goodreads:

“The Strength Is There But It Deserves Editing

I appreciated the fact that the author is versatile. In this book, you will find a play, fiction, spoken word/poetry, and simple dialogue between a mother and daughter.

The development of each piece is sound and vividly expressed with poignant details, however, grammar, syntax, punctuation, etc., takes away from the full enjoyment of the book.

The author’s voice cannot be denied or buried. It comes out swinging and demands a listening ear and attentive eyes. I thoroughly enjoyed the first half of the book and sunk deeply into the plots and storylines.

With an overhaul and some solid editing, this could be a remarkable project. The strength is there, and one does benefit from reading it in its form, but I believe this is a rough draft that could shine with two or more digs into its bones.

The core is alive–bringing it to the surface in a more pristine form can happen, and I hope it does. The talent is unshackled, it simply needs to be formed, ironed out, and polished.

I hope to see a revised, edited version. I would purchase it as well.”

I reached out to J. R. to share the review with her first, and to let her know that I will be ready for the book’s golden return to the reading world.

She was receptive to the review and admitted she appreciated my honesty and that she knows the potential this book manifested in her head and heart, but it does need more care and attention.

I asked her if I could share it here just as I do with my other reviews, and she said that I could. Trust me, if I were not granted permission, you would not be reading this. This is a community of writers and readers. We deserve to grow amongst one another.

As a writer, I want openness and honesty about my work. As an author, I want reviews that are going to help me grow and keep me aware of my potential to get better, not just “Yes People” gassing my head up for the sake of ratings and approvals.

I am hopeful The Conversation returns when it is time, wearing a new dress, sassy heels, and a mink coat that would make its counterparts jealous.

Have you gotten your copy of my new book: a collection of serial tales & flash fiction, Séduire (E-Book and Paperback) yet?

I recently signed up to write on Substack as well. Poking the Bear’s Belly for Fun is a place of healing as I speak about the most recent events with my place of employment, as it pertains to racism and discrimination. I welcome your visit.

Opening Lyrics To Songs That I Love

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#10: Sam Smith & Kim Petras, Unholy

Lucky, Lucky Girl, she got married/
To a boy like you/
She’d kick you out if she ever, ever knew/
‘Bout all the shit you/
Tell me that you do/

Sam Smith & Kim Petras, Unholy. YouTube, via Vevo

This will probably be my favorite segment on my blog in a very long time! Welcome to Opening Lyrics to Songs That I Love!

“Unholy” is a song by British singer Sam Smith and German singer Kim Petras. It was released on 22 September 2022 through EMI Records and Capitol Records as the second single from Smith’s fourth studio album Gloria (2023) and as a bonus track on Petras’ debut studio album Feed the Beast (2023). It was teased by Smith on their TikTok account a month before its release and went viral due to its use in thirst trap-style videos. Produced by Ilya, Omer Fedi, Blake Slatkin, Jimmy Napes, and Cirkut and written by them alongside Smith and Petras, “Unholy” is a sexually charged electropop, dance-pop, and synth-pop song with choral and hyperpop influences. It uses the Phrygian dominant scale and its lyrics are about a family man who cheats on his wife at a strip club.

“Unholy” received mostly positive reception from critics, many of whom considered the song a standout from Gloria and praised its sound as catchy yet unusual, while others found the song less transgressive than it was intended to be and criticized Petras’s verse. —Wikipedia

Sam Smith is such a versatile artist. I am taken aback by the range he displays musically, and he never ceases to amaze with his song arrangements and the collaborators he chooses. This song has a banger for a beat; instrumentally, it could stand alone and still get all the accolades it has accumulated.

I blast this baby at wild decibels every time I hear it. I make no apologies for it.

If I can feel the music and the lyrics speak to me, too, you’ve instantly lasso’d me in as a fan.

Thank you for joining me on this musical journey. I said I would share 10 songs and their opening lyrics; however, I feel like a bonus song should be shared. And it will be–next week!

See you then!

T-Shirt Message #4

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Encouraging messages that have been AI-generated as I grow through the messes and joys of life.

AI-Generated Image: A young White girl wearing glasses with blonde shoulder-length hair, brown eyes. She is also wearing a shirt that says, “Let’s Help One Another Toward Greatness.” Created with Canva. T-Shirt Message #4

“Those who are happiest are those who do the most for others.” – Booker T. Washington 

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is: What are you doing for others?” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

Have you gotten your copy of my new book: a collection of serial tales & flash fiction, Séduire (E-Book and Paperback) yet?

I recently signed up to write on Substack as well. Poking the Bear’s Belly for Fun is a place of healing as I speak about the most recent events with my place of employment, as it pertains to racism and discrimination. I welcome your visit.