Tag: Death

I Am Claiming My Happiness

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A Snapshot

Friday is most often my favorite day of the week, but today, this Friday feels special. I woke up long before the cock of the crow–body clock had its own plans. There was a light mist in the air before the impending rain. A short walk with the dog presented a sense of presence–a sense of #relief.

I could feel it deep down in my bones–today is truly going to be a great day. I say so. I’ll make it so.

May Friday grant you whatever you may need today. I am claiming my happiness–I wish the same for you, too.

Originally shared via LinkedIn.

*The last five days have been the break I needed. Sometimes it’s best to step away from everything and feel EVERYTHING while it’s fresh and painful. I allowed myself the chance to move through the weight of bad news and still grieve without shame–without harming myself or others. A breath of fresh air is often more than simply inhaling the gifts around us. Thank you everyone for your kind words, thoughts, prayers, emails, etc. This is such an awesome community, and I’m grateful for it.

A Snapshot

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Jernee, The Little Monster, fast asleep.

The #dog sleeps soundly on a Saturday night, dreaming about God only knows what. My neighbor pulls up to our building–blasts his music for us to hear. I’m not opposed, it’s a tune I can bop my head to.

I spent a couple hours video-chatting with my younger cousin and watching her beautiful smile act as its own form of luminescence. There was no other place I wanted to be than in that moment, #connecting with her about the mundane acts of life–laughing about the calamities found in aging and ailments.

We discuss the inevitability of my little monster’s impending demise, and if I’ll get another dog immediately after or opt to get one soon so as to have another form of support on standby. Of course, I’ll get another dog. But I want her to enjoy her life being the spoiled, “only child” until she’s no more.

Oddly enough, I look at this adorable ball of fur, and all I feel is love. All I feel IS loved.

That is a beautiful thing.

Originally shared via LinkedIn.

**Since Chrissy’s passing, her children have reached out to me for deeper, closer relationships, and I needed this. I’d always been around for their growth–but their mom had my full and complete attention. They would get the occasional text or phone call. Now, it’s almost as if I’ve gained two more younger siblings, but it is Victoria with whom I sense a stronger bond will emerge. I see so much of Chrissy in her and she sees so much of her mom in me too. It is simply a joy to share these moments with them–with her. We are making beautiful memories. Beautiful memories, indeed.

The Grieving Room

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Weathering the storm when it comes

Photo by The Good Funeral Guide on Unsplash

Weathering the storm when it comes.

I will not claim to be incredibly emotionally sound, however, I give myself the time I need to move through emotions when the death grip of them appears. I can spend days with sadness, weeks with fear, minutes with anger, etc. I know when it is time to move away from these emotions and get myself back into the cool, crispness of my realm. I rarely settle in the depths of these emotions when they arise, but my momentary stay with them worries my loved ones.

When you are often the picture of positivity and “a light” shining on those who depend on you, your own heart can be weighed down with guilt and anything else that may come into your line of sight, and as soon as you acknowledge whatever the cause may be and spend some time with those feelings, people worry. They want to make sure you will be okay — that you will “bounce back” and be their shoulder to lean on once again. They often want to be sure they do not have to deal with the pain of watching you move through your pain for too long — it makes them uncomfortable.

But this is life and life has things that will shake us up when we least expect it. Grief looks different for everyone experiencing it. It is not some cookie-cutter emotion channeling its way through each of us exactly the same. How you move through grieving may be entirely different from how someone close to you moves through it.

The seven stages of grief.

According to HCF, the seven stages of grief include:

Shock and denial

Pain and guilt

Anger and bargaining

Depression (loneliness & reflection)

Upward turn

Reconstruction

Acceptance (and hope)

Allow me to be completely transparent. I am teetering between depression and an upward turn. However, I sometimes find myself tip-toeing into anger and bargaining as well.

This past week, I had more good days than I did bad ones. My younger cousin shared a painting she’s working on that includes her mother, her grandmother, herself, and her unborn child. To witness the strength, pain, happiness, and exactness of her painting shot through me, and before I could stop them, the tears flowed freely. I had been warned beforehand, and I wanted to see her work — wanted to connect with it. I am glad I did.

Sharing that moment with her, which reflected the beauty of her mother and the lives lost around her, caused me to smile through the pain. Here was my younger cousin honoring her late mother in such a way one could not fathom its fruition. I told her I wanted to see the finished product, and I am certain she will share it with me.

I had experienced a momentary storm, but I moved through it. There will be more and I will find the emotional wherewithal to move through those moments, just as I did the one above.

Honoring our loved ones when they are gone.

My cousin’s death pushed me to be more creative. It has been a reason for me to grant myself the power of “Yes” instead of standing flimsily behind fear and the audacity of “No.” I have written a compilation of poems as an e-book in her honor and have shared it with some friends and my family. I have also opened up the channels to have the e-book purchased by others I have asked personally, and I am overjoyed with the results of this.

I took the time to share my feelings in safe spaces, pulled the strongest poems from these experiences, and completed their outcome in October Star: Poems for Chrissy. It is not the only batch of work I have dedicated myself to. In the midst of it all, I have finally committed to a work of fiction — including some of my most popular fiction stories and serial fiction works as well. I am hopeful this book will be available in the next month or two.

I know none of this would be possible had I not suffered the pain and anguish of my dear cousin taking her final breath two months ago. She had been strong in her sense of self and often told me to simply “Go for it” whenever I had an idea about something. So, in my own way, without her around now, I am going for every damn thing I said I would in the past. It is time. It is past time.

I will leave you with a comment a fellow writer on Medium, DL Nemeril, shared with me about grief on the introduction to The Grieving Room, “There is no good way. There is no easy way. There is only your way.”

Welcome to The Grieving Room. I am here. You are here. We are not alone in this.

See you next Saturday.

©2022 Tremaine L. Loadholt Originally shared via LinkedIn.

NaPoWriMo #29

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the hump is hard to get over

One of the many text message exchanges between me and Chrissy.

just when I thought I was
having a decent span of
days in a row without breaking
completely down, I swiped
through some photos in
my phone and came across
a screenshot of a text message
from one of my greatest loves,
and the tears piled on like
never before.

I wanted to lift myself up from
the chair and summon relief.
my heart is in a million pieces
and it’s going to take time
to put it back together again.
I am jigsawed, an abandoned
puzzle with no box for storage.

her daughter–my beautiful little
cousin, keeps up with me,
sends “I love you” messages
from time to time, and “How are
you” greetings and I am holding
on to her as hard as I can.
eleven years stand between us.
I have memories of her mom
she’ll never know, but I share
them–in pictures, with words.

I see her now through
WhatsApp message exchanges
and videos, and as soon as I
am done feeling every inch
of her presence, I cry.
she is so much like her
mother–such an incredible
radiance fills the room.
I get lost in
her ramblings–awed by her
talents.

my grandmother calls to thank
me for her copy of October Star
and the first thing that leaves her
mouth is, “Tre, you look so much
like Chrissy,” and I can’t find
the words to acknowledge the
fact. Moments later, I pull
“Everyone said that” from my
soul and I let it linger in the
air that filled our pauses.

it is a hard thing to look
in the mirror and see the
person you loved so much
staring back at you, but you
can’t call her, can’t write to her,
can’t send her a text message–
can’t do a damn thing but
let life continue being life.

the hump is hard to get over,
and I wish I wasn’t heavy
on the struggling end, but
I’m trying. God knows I am.
and when my overwhelming days
hit me, I have to slap on
my big girl pants and move
through the hell of it because
the one person who talked
me down from a high ass
cliff isn’t around anymore.

and never will be.
and that is the hardest
pill I have ever hard
to swallow.

October Star: Poems for Chrissy

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Front cover of October Star, created with Canva.

Many of you know I’ve written several poems for my recently deceased cousin, Chrissy. Some of them, I shared here, others I did not. I was able to commit to this body of work for a little over two months, compile it, and share it with my family and a few friends. It is available via e-book and can only be submitted to a requestor by way of an email. Should you be interested in receiving this e-book from me, please email me at acorneredgurl@gmail.com.

The book includes fourteen poems, some with color photos of mostly Chrissy and me over the years, before her death. This has been a way of me fleshing out my emotions, raw feelings, moments of complete & utter disbelief, coming to terms with grief, and healing. The cost is $6.00.

A sample of what you will be reading:

I Can’t Say Goodbye

the final breath
sweeps you like a heavy rain
my heart instantly breaks

a short time here
on Earth, finally, you’re
called home

they give details
of your transition– . . .

October Star

our October star
beauty uninhibited
loved by everyone

suffering no more
your gift to us is this life
connected . . .

Emotions

each day presents a different
emotion — I’m either happy,
sad, or indifferent, and it’s
no use in trying to fight them
as they pile on; I’m learning to
accept them, to embrace them.

I think of what you would do — how
would you react . . . if you were
still here.

Again, if you are interested in receiving a copy, please email me at acorneredgurl@gmail.com. In the subject area, simply have, “October Star,” and I will know exactly what your email is about. When I have corresponded with you to let you know I have received your email, I will request a payment of $6.00 to be submitted by way of one of these entities:

PayPal: mindful@gmail.com
CashApp: $trEisthename
Zelle: tloadholt0417@gmail.com

Upon receipt of payment, you will receive your e-book of October Star submitted directly to you. If you request more than one copy, I will email you more than one copy, upon receipt of the payment connected to your number of requests. I don’t expect to receive a lot of requests for this book as it can be mostly somber and morbid in nature for many when thinking about death. But, Chrissy was an amazing person and I talk about/have written about that, too. They’re not all sad poems filled with doom & gloom–they’re uplifting, as well.

Peace and blessings.

Back cover of October Star, created with Canva.

Thank you in advance for stopping by and reading this post. I appreciate you.

The Grieving Room

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Photo by Alex Green via Pexels

The beginning of a lifelong process and the space in which to do it.

It is not always easy to listen to what pushes and pulls in this mind of mine, but I experienced a loss so gargantuan to me recently, that I am now compelled to find avenues, outlets, and ways to catapult myself from the depths of the darkest pits to survive the loss — become one with the loss — move on from the disabling effects of the loss.

To say that I endured the death of someone close is an understatement; it does not completely encompass from what my heart is trying to heal. There is no proper way to describe, let’s say, on a scale of one to ten, just how crucial this loss is.

On February 18, 2022, I muttered my last “I love you” to my closest cousin — one of the greatest loves of my life. She had been significantly older than me, so she mothered me — nurtured me — allowed me to be guided by her.

She could rain down love without being coaxed or manipulated. It simply fell out of her and onto/into you without caution. If you loved her or had been loved by her, you knew it. You felt it. There was no reason to question this love. It was genuine and given with every ounce of her being.

Every single day now since the day of her death has been an excruciating trial in living. There are days I say to myself, “You’re fine. You’re doing just fine.” And on those days, I do feel a sense of all-rightedness, but as a whole, they — those days are fleeting. I have had to learn how to swim in choppy waters — maneuver through bone-chilling nights — slide myself out of bed, press my feet onto the floor, and push myself up and out slowly; attempting to gauge just how my body and mind feel when beginning a new day.

What I am learning about grief.

Grief, as described by Psychology Today, is

The acute pain that accompanies loss. Because it is a reflection of what we love, it can feel all-encompassing. Grief is not limited to the loss of people, but when it follows the loss of a loved one, it may be compounded by feelings of guilt and confusion, especially if the relationship was a difficult one.

How am I grieving? How am I mourning? I have to strip bare — down to the bones of myself and cry when the tears fall. I allow myself the time and space to break down — literally feel every emotion that comes at me during those moments. I am using writing as a tool — an outlet to get me through the hardest parts of this journey. There are days when all I can do is write poem after poem in honor of/for her. If there’s a song I want to hear — one that reminds me of her gentle ways — her kindness, I play it. If there is a meal I want to eat to pull her into my space for the enjoyment of my evening, I will cook it.

I am wading through these waters as best as I can because the hard truth is, even though I have had other significant deaths in my life, none of them have affected me the way this one has. Learning to be gentle with myself as I create or allow words to spill out of me, detailing my thoughts or describing various emotions, is key. A learning curve has been assigned because this will never be perfected.

The goal? To wake up feeling less heavy than I did the day before. I want to breathe and not risk passing out. I intend to grow in both mental and physical preparedness for my world without her. In order to do this, any of it, I must grieve — in its most wholly and authentic form, and not feel ashamed of it.

How does this pertain to you?

It is, I am certain, probably safe to say many of you reading this article have experienced some form of grief. Perhaps you are trying to move through the hell of it right now. Maybe you haven’t found the sure footing you thought you would have under you at this point. Or is it possible you’re not giving yourself the time you need to grieve, mourn, and properly feel or experience your loss?

This newsletter will be a weekly synopsis of how I am moving through the hell of it all. It will also be a space for you, should you feel so inclined, to share your thoughts, moments of progress, despair, etc. in the comments as discussion.

Welcome to The Grieving Room. I am here. You are here. We are not alone in this.

See you next Saturday.

Originally shared via LinkedIn.