forgotten curry settling in the back of the cupboard slips its way into my line of sight and I prepare my chicken with it.
Some mixed peppercorn, a bit of garlic powder, a dash of salt, and seasoned flour. a meal fit for a queen and her party of fools dances on my sensitive tongue.
diced potatoes, steamed broccoli, and filtered water to wet my whistling lips. I fall into the beauty that is meal prep and the dog stands guard at the kitchen door, waiting for dropped morsels.
Jernee hiding behind the pillow and sitting on another pillow. Apparently, she thought it was entertaining to have me search for her. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
asleep in the guestroom away from all the fuss
the little monster ignores my worried calls
and I start thinking she died while I was busy tending to a catty patient
she seemed to take great pleasure in temporarily breaking my heart
A little ray of sunshine before my keratoconus/scleral contacts follow-up|Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
follow-up on cornea scarring and hazing, and good news to that; no new scarring. no new hazing.
however …
my corneas have gotten steeper in each eye, even after wearing the recommended scleral contacts since last November.
my vision is running away from me, and I am chasing after it trying to pull it back to me. trying to love it again; harder & heavier.
unfortunately …
it is doing what it wants to do and my ophthalmologist wants to pursue a procedure called “Collagen Cross-linking“ and I do not have any more passion to give this man of expertise regarding my care.
I nod and listen, and I understand everything he says, yet I tell him, “I would much rather continue to wear my scleral contacts until November of this year. That would be one full year. Let’s reassess at that time.”
Hesitant, he leans toward my line of thinking, and we schedule another appointment.
I toggle between him and my optometrist; they work on my eye care in-tandem. I will see her in May. I hope she’ll have better news for me, and even if she doesn’t, I have given this to God.
I will not stress over it. I will not lend it my heart. I will not spiral down into unshakeable pity.
keratoconus, you will not, and I put emphasis on “NOT” steal my joy. You can’t have it.
**The visit on Thursday, April 13, 2023, with the ophthalmologist did not provide the details I thought it would. The corneas are getting steeper which means that eventually, my vision could keep getting even more blurry.
The ophthalmologist recommended a procedure called (Corneal) Collagen Cross-linking which would be performed out at Duke University in Durham, and I pretty much pumped the brakes on that idea and informed him that I would much rather continue to wear my scleral contacts until at least the middle of this November which would be a full year.
We are going to reassess on November 21st of this year and I will meet with his colleague at that time, but I also have an appointment with my optometrist in May, so I am going to get her opinion on this, too. So that’s where we are now. I was not released from his care due to these recent changes.
This is for God to handle. My gut started speaking to me as soon as my ophthalmologist began explaining everything about the next steps. Those are NOT my next steps. We’ll see what May reveals & then what November of this year further reveals before I begin letting surgeons/specialists/doctors surgically enhance (or botch up) my vision.
feeding off one another’s shifty moods and competitive ways, these two parade around in silence in front of everyone outside of their bubble.
june & jenny jenny & june sisters of silence and mayhem and turmoil and eating disorders.
I teared up witnessing a harnessed neck collapsing at the sight of a broken hearted sibling wailing with no sound.
how’d they manage to live so long before one died on the shoulder of the other?
how’d they manage to pump enough blood to their hearts when they spent so much time bathed in depression?
such lovely parents. such lovely parents. understanding and willing to do what was best for the girls–an empath’s soul will not make it without crushing.
be careful of what you share with your mind when all you were searching for was a Sunday afternoon movie in which to escape.
A Cornered Gurl 
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