Category: Fear

Hello, God. How Are You?

trE

Remember me?

WordPress AI-Generated image of an African-American couple in deep thought, anguish, and regret.

I know you do. I ask
Not for a response, but
Rhetorically.
I received news that has
Broken me–torn my heart
Into thousands of pieces, so
I’m coming to you.

I always come to you–in
Sickness, health, during times
Of Sadness, and of joy.
This time, though . . . this
Time is different.

A feeling of worthlessness
Washes over me. I have
Been abandoned, neglected,
Rejected, and looked over for
Second bests and thriving
Environments are rising over
These selections.

Am I not worthy of coupleship?
Am I not worthy of a legacy?

Oh, God, the dog sleeps and
The tortoise has buried itself
Under its bedding in its cave.
They do not hear my cries.
The dog is deaf and the tortoise
Could care less, so I come
To you.

Four months later, he tells
Me of a baby girl he hasn’t been
Able to share . . . hasn’t been
Able to whisper to me of her
Name. Who we were stopped him.
We didn’t want marriage. We
Didn’t want children, but we
Loved them.
He married. He now has a child,
And four months later, he speaks.

About her . . . about the beauty
Behind her eyes.
My phone floods with pictures
Of this sweet and precious soul,
And I see him in her, his mother,
And his father, and then he says,
“We need to talk, but I’ll have
To find time to do so freely,
I didn’t want to
Tell you like this.”

And I break down.
Not from sadness about the
News. Not because I am
Not “The One.” But because he
Felt like he couldn’t tell me.
But because he felt like our
History–our trauma from our
Upbringings would crush his
Words.

How do you tell the
One you didn’t marry, you didn’t
Have children with because you
Both were afraid that you now
Have crossed off the second
Thing y’all never wanted to do?

I put on his shoes.
I take a walk in them.
I try to understand.
I take long, deep breaths, and
Then, I cry.

God, we are where we are
Because of the decisions
WE made. We ran. We felt
Like we would mess up
Just as our parents did.
We didn’t want to fuck up
Children–break the cycle,
Shift the curse . . .

Fear will make you miss out
On life. And it did. With us.
Keep him safe. His wife, too.
And now, his baby girl.
Please, God. I know you will.
I know you can.

And the pain I feel now
Will not be with me next year.
I will be free. I will accept
What is and what will be.
I know that my life as it is
Now will not be what it is
In the future.

Whatever you do, God,
While you’re remembering my
Prayers for him and his family,

Please remember me.

bedbound

trE

an unscheduled day off
enfolds my screaming body.
the mind stays strapped to
the foam of an
inviting mattress.

the soul cannot move.

I know these days . . .
mentally, I’m challenged,
and freeing myself from
the depths of this dark
space is often harder
than I’d like.

bedbound for the morning,
I watch news of Western NC
as cities lay underwater,
roads are washed away, my
friend’s brand new home
drowns before her eyes.
food and supplies have to be
air-dropped to designated
places.

“these are the last days.”

I turn over to reach
for someone to hold
and forget, momentarily,
that I live alone.

hurricane Helene

trE

a lune, 3 parts

hurricane Helene
pummeled us
with her windy waves

power outages
reported
all throughout the state

advised to be safe
we found peace
safely in our homes

To those of you who rode out the harshest storm in years, it is my prayer that you are safe and sound of mind as well. Peace and blessings.

surrender or die trying

trE

an audio poem

surrender or die trying by Tremaine L. Loadholt via SoundCloud

like Nas’ “It Ain’t Hard To Tell“,
when we spot each other
in a room full of our
workmates, we fight to get
to that hug we’ve been
missing–that embrace that
saddles us with contentment.

we fight for the purity of touch.

I know you. you know me.
we broke down walls to be
able to say, “She’s whole
without being halved.”
we have the drop on
one another but we’ll never
use it.

I am counting down the days
until I see you again.
until I get to hear that
Flint, Michigan accent with a sprinkle
of the Deep South swirling
on your tongue.

maybe it’ll be the right time
to say, “Yes” to what we’ve
had to say “No” to for
so long.

or maybe I’m just living
through my fantasies
again–envisioning you as the
key to my heart’s happiness.
or maybe, we’re treading
lightly because the heavy waves
are getting heavier and we
need these damn jobs.

we’ve been cautious for years.

and there’s no cat and mouse
with us–we’re simply plagued
by curiosity and frozen from
impending corporate damage.

how long will we be able to
hold up our end of the
bargain before we have to
surrender?

are we willing to battle
in the wars of political correctness for the honor
of true love?

am I?

*Background music: It Ain’t Hard Tell instrumental, produced by The Large Professor

“Who’s Gonna Tell Him?”

trE

Because I felt like sharing a little something that sat down in my spirit and had itself a peaceful rest.

Michelle Obama and one of her many clapbacks. YouTube Short

Long, Overdue Venom: One-Lined Poem

Lady Obama spews long, overdue venom in the direction of a
man who believes Black people aren’t suitable for various
jobs birthed of and around their upper echelon counterparts;
and it’s a clapback doused in class.

Happy Friday, beautiful people!

Exploring New Worlds: Shonda Rhimes, Year of Yes

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I read the book and now, I want more!

Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

I love the fact that I have family members and friends who recommend books or buy them for me when they KNOW I’ll love the content.

In the book, Shonda speaks about how a comment from her sister about her limitations of herself regarding fears prevents her from saying yes to anything, and that jolted something alive in her to change that.

A younger cousin of mine told me about Shonda Rhimes’ Year of Yes because she truly enjoyed it in its audiobook form. She gave me the gist of it and hyped it up enthusiastically, too.

I had to see for myself, and I’m glad I did. Here is the Amazon review for it:

“My Cousin Recommended This Book!

And I’m awfully glad she did! Firstly, I didn’t expect to read what I just read. I’ll be honest, I didn’t know what to expect.

It’s Shonda Rhimes! Of course, I was thinking, in the back of my mind, the woman can downright write, so it ought to be good. But this was/is much better than good. It’s phenomenal!

Secondly, I hadn’t factored in the reality that she’d let us into her personal life just a bit with this book, and lo and behold, she did!

I felt like a member of her family thumbing through the pages, laughing, sighing, and crying. Not only is Year of Yes well-written, it is full of humor and grit and witty retorts.

I sank into so many scenes as they were told from the writer’s point of view and recollection. I connected with various happenings in her life as a writer, and her love life reminded me of mine as well.

There is so much to explore and unpack in this book, and I am happy to have had the opportunity to do so. I assure you, it IS a work of art that is worth your time.”

I absolutely adore it when a recommendation does not steer me wrong. And this book is now a favorite of mine!