Category: Mental Illness

bedbound

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an unscheduled day off
enfolds my screaming body.
the mind stays strapped to
the foam of an
inviting mattress.

the soul cannot move.

I know these days . . .
mentally, I’m challenged,
and freeing myself from
the depths of this dark
space is often harder
than I’d like.

bedbound for the morning,
I watch news of Western NC
as cities lay underwater,
roads are washed away, my
friend’s brand new home
drowns before her eyes.
food and supplies have to be
air-dropped to designated
places.

“these are the last days.”

I turn over to reach
for someone to hold
and forget, momentarily,
that I live alone.

the first session

trE

I am small, tucked into myself,
fidgety, and nervous.
He is an older, White man
from Jersey with an earring
in his ear.
He asks me about elementary
school, my father, my mother,
and my strengths.

I talk with my hands.
I am animated. I am crafting
explanations and recollections
of past lives, and he types
vigorously on the keys of
his laptop.
It’s small. It’s black. It
shakes on his lap.

I wonder what the screen says.
If I’m being cut down to size.
If I’m being analyzed on a
scale outside my comprehension.
If I’m being mentally processed
for some sort of unspoken
reward.

Barely thirty minutes pass,
and I lose myself in a sea of
tears. He’s mentioned grief.
Which means, I have mentioned
Chrissy, and I don’t even
remember my mouth forming
her name. I can feel the
tears sliding down
my cheeks, and I say to myself,
You will get through this.

We have six minutes left, and
he announces a question
that sounds like he wanted to
unleash it at least fifteen minutes ago and I am all
ears: “Do you have the link
to the initial ASD testing you
did?”

Of course, I do.
Of course, I would have it.
Why would I not?
I emailed it to him, and I
watched the results leave
my inbox and disappear to
a black hole of infinite
knowledge and time and
space to get to his inbox.

And then, I wonder . . .
what’s next?

The Weekend Is for Fun and Relaxation

trE

After a rough week, I am glad to see the weekend!

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

What I do isn’t easy. I try to explain to people who ask what I do for work what I do instead of just stating my title. But, I’ll start there today–my job title. I am a Patient Experience Navigator, III, formerly a Central Scheduling Specialist, III. I schedule patients for radiological scans and invasive procedures.

My daily goal is to be sure my patients get the best scheduling experience possible, and I make or exceed my goal with every encounter. How? I love speaking to people, however, I am not a socially-thriving person outside of my work duties. I am an introvert and I prefer peace and quiet and I have a small circle of friends.

I take a wide range of calls, both inbound and outbound, and work various queues when they are assigned by our Work Force Management Team. I am well-versed in two different big markets (Greater Winston-Salem, NC & Greater Charlotte, NC) and I operate in four different pods, skilled for sixteen various forms of calls. Are you still with me? To put it plainly, I can learn anything and am used basically everywhere.

I am one of forty cross-trained agents and the only agent cross-trained in two big markets who also works the number of skills and pods that I do. I also train new hires part-time. I tackle our Teams chats for our Guru and SuperUser chats, which means, I answer questions all day (whenever assigned) and add on patients for appointment slots many agents do not have access to see.

To make it even plainer, my team depends on me, and I depend on them.

I am high-functioning with a double dose of energy and I am keen on how I operate while being detailed-oriented. There is no one in our department like me. And that’s really thanks to my brain and how it’s wired. I have hundreds of zip codes and cities memorized and can tell an agent where to schedule a patient based on their city (or county) and zip code. So, as you can imagine, my personal Teams chat and email blows up regularly. I get messages from our supervisors, other agents, our referring providers’ offices, etc.

Adjusting to a new queue

This past week, I was assigned to the oncology queue because my co-worker who works that particular queue was on vacation. I have never worked the oncology queue by itself. I typically take the oncology calls that come in or are placed outbound, but I have never worked the entire queue. Let me tell you . . . I have a newfound level of respect for my co-worker.

I am an Empath, so the majority of my calls can be heard (and seen; our calls are not only recorded, but visual displays of us operating in the system are recorded, too) with me empathizing with our patients. I am also the type of person who can track moods and adjust to them accordingly.

A phone call with me will render you feeling differently than before you answered my call or I answered yours. I assure you. If you’re sad, my goal is to make you laugh. If you want to vent. I am here to listen. If you are not feeling so hot and chemotherapy sessions have you nearly at your wits’ end, I can drum up something to say as a means of comfort. That being said, my calls tend to be a bit longer because of this, but my higher-ups do not care. They know I am doing the job necessary and I do not get penalized for it and it does not affect my quarterly metrics. I get 96.09% or 100% throughout every month for my calls.

Because of this, my calls are used in training sessions throughout our markets, so, many agents know my voice. When we have company functions and I finally meet these new agents, when I speak, they actually shout, “OMG, TRE! It’s you! I listened to you every single day for two months!” or something to this effect. I still haven’t gotten used to this and I am often bewildered by it, but grateful they’re learning, too.

Oncology is a BEAST! There are so many invasive procedures and specialty scans to schedule and they are often ordered with a priority of ASAP (to be scheduled within 3-7 days) or EMERGENT (to be scheduled within 24 hours).

The providers, I believe, are rushed as well because most of the orders placed are incorrect and have to be documented as such and sent back for clarity and updating. I had the Greater Charlotte Market Oncology queue this past week and I am still overwhelmed by this week’s events.

At one point, there were over 310 orders in the queue. Whenever I cleared 15 orders, 20 more would appear. It is a neverending and constant workflow of exhausting review and scheduling. I also ran into leaving a TON of voicemails. Why? Most patients are in some form of therapy (to assist with pain) or treatment when a call is placed to them, so they are unavailable to answer the call. Our method for calls: we place three calls over 6-8 days.

If a patient has not responded to those 3 calls, a letter is sent to the patient notifying them of the attempt to schedule their appointment ordered by their Oncologist and then the order is sent back to their Oncologist so they are aware.

By the end of the week, I felt positive I had at least five more gray hairs. But I ended Friday with only 154 orders in the queue. I tackled it to the best of my ability with the assistance of another agent on Wednesday and Thursday so we could get the order number down below 200, and we DID IT!

The oncology queue has gotten so maddeningly insane that it is impossible to be manned by only one person. I now understand what my co-worker has been telling me over the past few months. She is mentally drained and thoroughly exhausted by the end of each day. I can say now, I know why.

I am grateful to see the weekend

After tackling the oncology queue and going about my days as usual responding to emails and chats, I am so happy to see this weekend. It came right on time! It has been a rough week, and I am completely drained from it. We have our company cookout today from 11:00 AM until 2:00 PM. I am about to get myself ready to go to it and spend about an hour and twenty minutes there.

It is going to be one of the hottest weekends on record, so I will not stay long. My people meter depletes after a certain amount of time. One of my Work Force Managers will usually pull me to the side and say, “You look out of it. Is your people meter at 0?” She knows me well. I’ll usually laugh and say, “YOU KNOW IT!” And shortly after, I will leave.

I intend to read, relax, cook, and watch movies this weekend. I will also treat myself to a seafood lunch later today from one of my favorite family soul food restaurants.

After the week I’ve had, I’ve earned it!

The Hard Part Is Over and Now . . . I Wait.

trE

I applied to two psychological/therapeutic organizations as recommended by my former therapist and my nerves are getting the best of me.

Photo by Alex Green on Pexels.com

This morning, I did the second part of what I have been dreading for nearly two months: I applied to two psychological/therapeutic organizations as recommended by my former therapist. To say that I am nervous is an understatement. But I knew this had to be done, and I am proud of myself for taking the second step in continuing my mental healthcare and surveillance from a professional.

I started by researching the second center my former therapist and I discussed as the name struck me as inviting and serene: Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness. I read through the organization’s mission and vision statement and familiarized myself with about four of the profiles for their providers. I landed on Arionna Wilkerson within the first three minutes, marked her mentally, and said, “Let’s come back to her.” I read through three more profiles and circled back to Arionna Wilkerson. I completed the new applicant form and will await the recommended 24-48 hours turnaround time before reaching out to the organization if I have not heard from a representative before their requested turnaround time.

The downside to this organization is my insurance is not an accepted carrier. Thus, if I choose to make them my new mental healthcare provider, I will have to pay a significant amount out of pocket each month. In all honesty, I am trying to avoid this. However, I did apply because Arionna’s profile seems to be exactly the type of service I need and would like to continue to get. I also selected the option to continue Autism Spectrum Disorder testing. I had the initial assessment for autism about 2 years ago, and I have been learning more about myself and coming to terms with WHY I am the way I am and how much of me centers around neurodivergence.

The mission statement for Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness is:

At Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness, our mission is to nurture the roots of well-being. We are committed to delivering compassionate, holistic, and evidence-based care that empowers individuals, families, and communities to thrive. Our dedication to creating an inclusive environment fosters growth, healing, and fulfillment for our clients. With an unwavering commitment to professional excellence and continuous improvement, our aim is to positively impact the mental and overall well-being of our community.

The above is what led me to apply to this organization. I also watched a short YouTube clip from the Founder/Executive Director, Chantal Hayes, and was slightly moved to learn more about the people Banyan Tree employs. The location is not far from me and I can choose in-person or virtual/telehealth care.

The other organization I researched and applied to is Camel City Counseling. My former therapist and I discussed them as well. On a list of four recommendations, these two spoke to me the most. I read through their mission statement and was immediately lured in. Here is a snippet of what Camel City Counseling offers:

We specialize in working with motivated clients, the perfectionist, the family struggle, the couple rekindling their desire, the trauma survivor, the hurting, the anxious, the body loather, the overachiever, the overcomer, the attention deficit, the highly sensitive. We believe that mental health is physical health, and vice versa. We see you and we care.

When you work with us, you will experience authenticity and integrity. Our passionate focus is meeting people where they are and walking with them toward their goals in a warm, relational manner. We will sit “side by side” with you on your journey of change. We will never give up on your success and wellbeing.

After reading three profiles on their website for three VERY different providers, I selected Zanita Harrison for whom I’d like to be my next provider. Her background and current specialization is what would be helpful to me. Her personal statement helped seal the deal as the person of interest for me, too: “WANTS CLIENTS TO DEVELOP PERSONAL STRENGTH, DEEP UNDERSTANDING IN RELATIONSHIPS, AND FEEL MORE CONFIDENT IN THEIR COMMUNICATION OR SELF ADVOCACY.”

This organization also specializes in additional assessments for Autism Spectrum Disorder. They also . . . wait for it . . . ACCEPT MY INSURANCE! The last part is a plus as I do not want to pay out of pocket for services that should undoubtedly be offered to human beings for free. I also have the option for in-person care or virtual/telehealth. I will await a response from them by allowing 24-72 hours.

My former therapist is a Caucasian woman in her late 60s. She provided me with several tools to use as I grow older and move through the challenges of life. I will never forget what we shared, how we grew together, and her incredible attention to detail and assistance in me learning who I am and why outside of racial demographics and gender/sex orientation. I am moving forward now after so many long and tired exhalations.

The hard part to all of this is over and now . . . I wait.

A Reblog: The Great Search to Maintain My Mental Health During Perimenopause

trE

I am always grateful to Kathy, the host of Navigating the Change, for publishing my work. It reminds me that I am not alone in describing the various changes we may endure as we age. It reminds me that I still have a voice and others want to hear (read) it, too. Here is a snippet from the article, but to read it in its entirety and comment, please proceed to the actual published article on the site. Thank you in advance. Peace and blessings.

Three years ago, I was diagnosed with chronic adjustment disorder with intermittent anxiety and depression. And now I’m facing the ultimate test. My therapist has announced that she will be retiring.

Though my therapist and I have worked through strategies on how to live with this diagnosis, she did not prepare me for what I am supposed to do if she should announce her retirement during my fourth year of perimenopause.

My initial response was one of happiness; I was and am happy for her. I celebrated the reality of this new venture with her during our last session. I told her I was proud of her. A leap like this is monumental.

We chatted about it a bit before the end of our last session, and she communicated that she would help me to compile a list of recommendations.

But it is scary. —Tremaine L. Loadholt, Navigating the Change

The Great Search to Maintain My Mental Health During Perimenopause