That is, if she could talk.
Pet owners: I’m pretty sure you have your very own thirty things and we’d probably swap stories and laugh hysterically about the ways of our non-human friends/family. Feel free to share a few in the comments if you want to.
- Human . . . I expect dinner promptly at 5:30 pm, there should be no deviation from this plan.
- That place that you go to every day in the morning and come back much later in the day, what shall I call it?
- While you were gone, I ate the crumbs on the floor you thought you brushed “off” the counter and into the cleaning cloth.
- Remember that one time you asked me if I liked the new grain-free food you bought me?! Do you recall my reaction, how I dove into the bowl as if I’d not eaten before? Well, I faked it.
- There’s this thing that rings loudly while you’re away. How can we make that not happen?
- Every time Nana visits, she sits in my favorite spot on the couch. I don’t like that.
- Why does she have to visit us anyway? Don’t you visit her enough now?
- I think you should warn me about bath-time, preferably a week in advance. I need time to evade this entire process.
- I’m not religious. You know that, right? God or mercy or hallelujah should never be in our discussions. I’m just sayin’.
- What’s this thing about “voting” I keep hearing on the radio? Is this something you’re going to do?
- If you are, will they pay you for it? I need more treats. Prioritize. Monetize this vote thing. Treats are important.
- Okay. You’ve seen Shrek 378 times already. That’s enough.
- The same goes for Finding Nemo.
- Auntie hasn’t been here in a while, neither has Nala. Did I do something? Did YOU do something? It’s always you. Yes, let’s go with that. Did you do something, human?
- You like to tell me not to drool on the couch, but please recognize how that’s not working out for you. Do I tell you not to drool on your pillows?
- Crushed ice is my favorite snack. More crushed ice, please.
- It’s been a while since we’ve had a daddy or another mommy around. What’s the holdup, human?
- I mean, I’m trying to gather all the attention I can. Are you keeping this from happening?
- The Vet . . . That’s one place I’d like not to go to anymore.
- If there’s any way we can make that happen, I’ll be happy about it. Tell them I’m good — we shouldn’t have to pay for pre and post-excellence. Let’s face it, I’m both. Save your money.
- Think of the treats.
- When you say things to me and you think I don’t understand what you’re saying, I’ve news for you, I do. I’m just ignoring you.
- Do we have new neighbors? I hear strange noises while you’re away.
- What’s with the burning of all the candles? And the sage?
- It’s been 5 minutes since you rubbed my belly or scratched behind my ears. Let’s change that.
- I’m not eating my food because I noticed yours smells much better.
- Yes, that’s right . . . Pick up my poop! Good human.
- No, I don’t like this taking pictures of me all the time thing. Stop it.
- When you take my collar off, it’s like you’re removing a piece of me. My identity shifts. How’d you like to have your identity shifted?
- NO, I WILL NOT STOP BARKING AT THE NEIGHBOR’S DOG! I’M PROTECTING US!
Bonus: I really do love you. That, I’m not faking.
Originally published in P. S. I Love You via Medium.
A Cornered Gurl 
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