Day: August 6, 2023

Musical Selection: Drake|How About Now

A free verse audio poem

I have never been the type
to brag, so I won’t start now,
but I am okay.
No, really. I am the happiest
I have been, and it took pain,
death, grief, and moving
through your lookalikes to
know that I deserve this happiness.

People are telling me it
looks good on me, I wear it
well.
My smile still brightens up the room.
What did you used to call me?
“Sweet beauty,” wasn’t that it?
Because you said I was
“beautiful” and “sweet”, and it
used to be a dangerous combination.

And it still is.

But I know how to use
these tools now… without you.
I know how to enjoy the little
things now… without you.

I wonder what you tell the
kids about me — who I’ve now
become since we ain’t
mingling around in the same
waters.
Will they embrace me if they
see me in public or would
they shun me and keep
it moving.

A friend of mine told me a few
weeks back, “It’s going to be
the constant thoughts about the
children that’s going to do you in.”

And she is right.

Because when you’ve poured so much
of yourself and your love
into the children of someone
you love — someone you dreamt
would pick up and settle with
you — healing takes longer.

I love hard, so I hurt harder.
And I used to carry the hurt
on the tip of my tongue, 
and these days, I let my pain
splash the hurt over papyrus
and my fingers type the hurt
out via keys.
I ain’t singing no blues.
I got joy deep down in my
heart, instead.

And it’s because of you.
It’s because of getting over
you, and that’s a blessing.
You gave me a gift I did not
know I needed.
And now that it is here,
watch how quickly it blossoms — if you can 
from where you are,
on your high horse.

I wish you well.
I always have.
I always will.
 — Don’t think you have
ever wanted me well, though.
And if you did, I was too
blind to see it.

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Originally published in A Cornered Gurl via Medium.