an undeniable peace

Photo by PNW Production via Pexels

before the workday
began, I sent a few
prayers up for
strength and endurance
and for peace.

this week has been
a storm wrapped in
a tsunami yet I
have the pleasure
of working with
an amazing team–a
beautiful bunch of
people who see
the storm and react
accordingly.

we tackle every
obstacle we’ve trained
for effortlessly–loading
hard times on our
backs–our proverbial
crosses to bear, and
we march forth,
determined to complete
every task.

there is an
undeniable peace in
knowing suffering isn’t
an act of alone(ness)–it
is never as brutal
as it can be when
the number is
just one.

exhaustion

I wash my white clothes
without washing them–
re-read that …
I thought I’d selected
the settings, pressed
the start button, and
walked away from the
beginning of cleanliness
for my fabrics, but
apparently, I forgot to
do this.

there’s nothing like
finding dried laundry
detergent on your lights
and whites, and being
puzzled by this fact–
nothing like having to
actually wash your clothes
when you thought you’ve
already done this.

maybe it was working overtime
two days in a row, followed
by traveling to visit
my mom after a full
week of craziness
that almost showed no
signs of letting up.
and the cleaning and the
cooking and the caregiving
of a senior dog
or a combination of all
these things.

and now, as I listen
to the whir and hum
of my washing machine,
I am thankful for
the ability to take on
this task again from
the comfort of
my home.

The Grieving Room

Summer Trees Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

Pictures tell the stories we can’t seem to share

I had one rollercoaster of a week. Work was hectic until Thursday afternoon. We had major issues with our phones and there had also been some connectivity issues which made our jobs extremely difficult. When your main priority is to answer phones and schedule patients for radiology scans and invasive procedures, not being able to effectively and efficiently do this for nearly a week had been mind-altering … and not in a good way.

I don’t know what had me on the verge of breaking down on Wednesday afternoon— it could have been the frustration of dealing with the issues with the phones and software or the weather (it has been raining off and on here for nearly two straight weeks), but I felt a weight overcome me that I just couldn’t shake.

Thankfully, I was keying in contact letters for unresponsive patients and had a moment to allow the tears to flow. 

When this form of emotion hits me out of nowhere, the first thing I want to do is … text or call my cousin. It is still hard for me to force myself into the action of not thinking about her to call or text — I am trying but it is far too hard to remove from my mind.

I often wish there was a switch — one I could flick off — one I could use to remove the thought from my mind so that it never occurs again because when it happens, the sea of sadness becomes my wading pool.

I am moving through it all as best as I can. One thing is for certain, I am glad the workweek is behind me.


A few photographs and a visit with one’s mom can renew the spirit

One thing that did help me through this week had been taking pictures of various things that make me happy or cause me to pause and reflect on life’s happenings for just a moment. The following photos are the results from this past week.

Summer Trees 2 Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt. 1 of two (the cover photo is also one) photos taken during a morning walk with Jernee from this past week.
Summer Trees 2 Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt. 1 of two (the cover photo is also one) photos taken during a morning walk with Jernee from this past week.
Jernee Timid, relaxing on the floor at my mom’s house. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
Jernee Timid, relaxing on the floor at my mom’s house. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
Jernee Timid in her car seat on the ride home from visiting my mom. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
Jernee Timid in her car seat on the ride home from visiting my mom. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
Cloudy Pool. I snapped this shot coming up the stairs of my building. Another cloudy day — just before the rain. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
Cloudy Pool. I snapped this shot coming up the stairs of my building. Another cloudy day — just before the rain. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
My mom’s plant — in the hallway of her building. I have no clue what type of plant this is. I just love it. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt
My mom’s plant — in the hallway of her building. I have no clue what type of plant this is. I just love it. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

To shake some of the “stank” off me from this past workweek, I took a trip to Greensboro, North Carolina, to spend some time with my mom. Visiting my mom allowed both me and Jernee to truly kick back and relax at her place while we gave her our utmost attention. 

After dealing with everything that took place this past week, seeing her face and listening to her talk 100 mph did my entire being some good. 

I think Jernee agrees too.


Appreciating the beauty all around me

Now that the past week is behind me and a few emotional moments have been curbed, I am bracing myself for whatever is to come for the rest of this weekend. 

I don’t plan on doing too much for the rest of the day, and the only things I intend to do for tomorrow are to wash my hair and cook dinner (I am still thinking about what I will make). Aside from the normal little things I do on Sunday, these will be the only two add-ons.

I have enjoyed looking up, around, and within my line of sight to capture God’s creations, however major or simple. Sometimes we need pictures to tell the stories we cannot seem to share. I think the photos above have epic tales to tell. Don’t you?

“A good snapshot keeps a moment from running away.” ― Eudora Welty


Welcome to The Grieving Room. I am here. You are here. We are not alone in this.

©2022 Tremaine L. Loadholt Originally published in The Grieving Room newsletter via LinkedIn.

Breaking Into Beast-mode

Musical Selection: Peg by Steely Dan

Photo by Sharad Kachhi via Pexels

I haven’t played
a bad hand in
a couple of decades
so the fear of one
landing in my lap
terrifies me worse
than losing a game
of spades in a
freshmen college
dorm room.

I told a fellow writer
the other day,
“We’re just playing
with time, now. We’re
not old enough to
give up but we’re not
young enough to still
get googly-eyed over
the small stuff.”

I didn’t mean it …

I still get googly-eyed
over the small stuff.

When your heart
is wrapped up
in something, nobody
can stop you from
pursuing that thing.
It becomes what you
chase after with a force
that can dominate your
opposers.

Breaking into beast-mode
should be a career.
Creative minds run
rampant when headed
toward their own
tunnels of light.

Little bundles of
treasure await each
and every one of us.

And like “Peg,” we’ll gladly
“smile for the camera”
when our time comes.


Steely Dan, Peg

Gratitude for the Future

Last night, I started keeping a gratitude journal for a recently introduced venture to take place in the near future. I journal regularly, but only to write out my thoughts, feelings, and perhaps the day I’ve had for reflection.

I am thankful for the gifts & talents with which I’ve been blessed, and it is an awesome experience to have people recognize them.

Below is a picture of the quote on the front cover of my journal.

Sunday has given me another chance to wake up and do great things to help and shine a light on some beautiful people. And I am going to do that.

I think I am headed in the right direction. I hope your day will be an outstanding one!

Front Cover Journal Quote Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt