In Time

A Haibun

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Fresh Blossoms in February|Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

You fear a connection–the two of us, prone to falling before we should. It’s inevitable. In time, there will be wishes made to make us something we cannot become. I see it in your eyes, a glimmer of hope; a piece of understanding that things will probably turn out the way that they are meant to and not how we would like them to be. How odd, is it not? How love can stand in a pool of want and drain into a sea of forgetfulness… It is the manifestation of the elder mothers, wanting what is best for the girls who came after them, for their lineage to remain steadfast and strong enough not to break. But, we are cracking at the seams, splitting in two–two women yearning for affection when love stands in the air waiting for us to breathe it in. If only we had the strength to grab it and hold on. If only we could move out of the way, disappear to a place where minds remain open. If only we could…

I won’t deny it–
I am attracted to you
In time, love will win.

I Know…

And It’s Okay

This’ll be my 4th tattoo, to be inked on my person on October 6, 2018. It says exactly what it should, “love one another.” Sketch by BHD

Since my coming out, I’ve been blessed to have those who have not flinched or wavered or faltered in any way, but slowly, steadily, those who have misguided feelings are showing themselves. They do not need to open their mouths and speak or tell me plainly how they truly feel, they are showing me with their actions. Discovering others’ disdain of another based on their sexual preferences or orientation regarding intimacy and love as the one on the inside looking out is… well… quite poignant. 

I need nothing from those unwilling to be by my side. I want nothing from them, either. Colors are truest when words are left unsaid and actions can be monitored from afar. Responses to text messages cease. Phone calls dwindle. When before, you exchanged letters, now, those fade into the sun. Reciprocity is a thing of the past. I knew it would happen. Fear of this has kept me tight-lipped for years because I did not want to lose those I love, but life has other plans. 

People hold fast to their beliefs or they slowly sink into an abyss of comfort that drags them away from you. Their vision becomes cloudy. They may have a million questions and they may yearn to understand and instead of actually creating an environment for you to educate them, they push you away. They run away. 

Listen And Hear Me Loud & Clear!

I Have No More Space For Unrequited Love.

So if you plan on being shifty, wade someone else’s waters. I have no use for you. I do not need hanging hands trembling in the bay unsure of where they should be. I need strong hands sturdy enough to help me along when the waves come crashing. Do not disguise your discomfort with the busyness of life. Ain’t THAT MUCH busy in the world! If you love someone or something, you make time for them or it. Simple and plain. Plain and simple. 

People have feelings. They deserve to be treated fairly and acknowledged when they reach out to you. Being a jerk doesn’t win you any prizes. You have something burning inside of you about me and I know…

And, it’s okay. My misery does not want your company. 

My happiness doesn’t either.