“Today, I will leave you.” She says this to my back. I hear her. I feel every word as they leave her lips. She caught me cheating on her, in our bed, with a man. Not another woman, but a man.
I love her. I do. It was never my intention to hurt her, to cut her deeply the way I have, but I want him. I love him too.
We met at a local café on a sunny, summer day fifteen years ago. She has ocean blue eyes.
Ocean. Blue. Eyes.
I was instantly attracted to her.
“I’ll have a grande non-fat white chocolate mocha and a blueberry muffin, please.” I say this to the Barista. He prepares my order with the finesse of a seamstress. I wait in anticipation for the hot, miracle-working liquid to touch my lips.
I spot her. A goddess trapped in an awkward body. She walks like she’s trying to pry herself from a foreign, encapsulating shell. She wants to break free. Every step of her stilettoed feet announces her presence.
“Venti caramel macchiato, light foam, extra caramel with a shot of espresso and a peach creme danish, please.”
She places her order with the Barista casually. This isn’t her first time. She’s a veteran. I placed my bet that day on her. I won. We were married within six months and now, here we are.
“I never intended to hurt . . .”
She puts her hand up in the air between us. I pause my speech. My apology isn’t necessary. She eyes my lover as he dresses frantically. His perfect body squeezes into the outfit I spent minutes removing from him hours before this moment.
She packs her shoes, clothes, grabs the bedroom television, her jewelry box, and secures $1200.00 from the safe in our closet.
“I’ll have Devin come by tomorrow for the rest of my things. Expect to hear from Chaffey, my attorney. Pierre, you could have at least gotten a fucking room, but our bed?! The same bed we’ve shared for fifteen years?! I hate you!”
What was there for me to say? I knew she was leaving. I also knew she wasn’t coming back. I say the only thing I thought was apt to say.
“Your body is an ocean.”
“It’s the first thing I said to you after we made love the night of our honeymoon. Your body is an ocean.”
“‘I know every wave.’ Yes, I remember. Too bad I couldn’t keep you from exploring other bodies of water, Pierre. Fuck you!”
Every word stings. I don’t want to lose her. But, I know I will. I watch her pile her things on to a hand truck and click-clack loudly down our hallway. She is leaving. She isn’t coming back.
My lover finger-combs his hair and stands awkwardly before me. He wonders out loud if his body is an ocean too.
“No. No. Your body is my playground.”
He shoots me a look of disgust but kisses me passionately anyway before leaving.
I sit here now. Alone with my thoughts and the echoes of my home. These walls house many secrets and my lover and I create many more. But I still think of her. I still miss her. I still want her.
I know no other waves.
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