09/23/2021 – A Cornered Gurl

Nala, sleeping peacefully. Photo Credit: Tremaine L. Loadholt

You will always be unmatched.
No other dog will come into
this Auntie’s heart the way you did.
You wrecking-balled your way
through–adamant about what
was necessary for your comfort.

Jernee hooked herself onto you
and wouldn’t let go.
She had to be around you and
follow your every move.
The jealous one hated to share
my lap but when you visited,
that’s where you found rest.
She had to get over it.

You claimed my empty guestroom
as your own, spending countless
moments of solitude with its space.
I never had to search for you,
I knew that’s where you were.
“You will be missed” doesn’t
say enough. It cannot say
all that I need it to say.

How do I tell Jernee?
What will be her reaction the next
time we visit your Mommy?
Will the silence deafen her?
Will she look for traces of you,
ever-vigilant to find them?
I don’t want to know what
this world is without the care
and comfort of a dog.

I’m glad you held time as
long as you could.
Warrior-dog, sassy and sweet,
and a safe space.
Serenity rained from your paws,
and we quickly understood the
beauty of Boston Terriers.

Oh, Nala, I don’t want you to
let go of my heart, but
I’ll have to find peace knowing
the skies opened up to
welcome a fur angel.

Rest well, pretty girl.

**Last night, Wednesday, September 22, 2021, my best friend had to put Nala down. This sweet girl had been fighting her hardest for the last three years to continue living. However, she had a seizure and was rushed to the emergency vet. It was there, the decision was made to let this sweet baby go. Those of you who have followed me for years know both Nala and Jernee as “Double Trouble“ and I am surely going to miss her. Words cannot express how much, they simply cannot. Thank you for reading.

Photo by Sabrina Figueiredo-Vaz Holder via Redshot

I want to tell him that the days of us
growing together sneak up on me
at times — unexpected. I still love him.
I find myself searching through
old arguments to see where we
missed the point of clarity.
How did we not understand what
was right in front of us?

I have gray hair in places unthinkable —
everything is aging and I’ve lost
my way from him. I thought,
I couldn’t catch up to him —
he wasn’t my speed. I ran
and ran and ran and kicked up
dust in three different States, yet
we never saw eye to eye.

If I blink, he disappears.
I want to hold on to the memories
of us for as long as my chest
heaves up and down and as far
as my legs will carry me, but time
is no longer of the essence.

Everything is aging.
I find myself searching through
old arguments to see where we
missed the point of clarity.
Our wrinkles tell the story of us
and the past lives we’ve lived.
He is still my fantasy unfulfilled,
my wants go unnoticed.
Should I tell him my heart
still has space for him?

A friend of mine said she
hopes one day I meet someone
because I’m such a great human.
But am I, though? Is there something missing?
Something that could make me more?
I struggle with these questions —
these questions of me and who
I was and who I should be.

If I blink, he disappears.
I want to tell him that the days of us
growing together sneak up on me
at times — unexpected. I still love him.
I do. I wonder if he knows this.
Should I tell him?

Originally published in soliloque via Medium.