I Will Not Chase You

Sébastien Conejo via Mixkit.co

You Are Free To Run Away

Communication . . . The human brain often relies on this form of connectivity — developing a bond through talking, hopefully, to better understand our loved ones and the people we meet. But how can we further strengthen a bond when we encounter someone who fails to communicate to us their need to leave, exit, and do away with us as their loved one?

Some people are quite savvy at discarding people like garbage. I have never been a ghoster. It really isn’t in me to just stop speaking to someone without learning, feeling, or realizing that this is perhaps what they want. If you are in tune with the air and space around you, moments of peace offer sound revelations. I have had to make two extremely tough decisions recently and both have broken my heart.

You know when someone needs space. If you’re a reader of subtle hints and can pick up on clues, you feel when someone doesn’t want or need you around. It really isn’t rocket science or an invasive study of some devastating happening in the body.

You. Just. Know.

And when you know, how you approach that situation can make or break your relationship. If you have come across ghosting behavior before, you know the signs. They appear without a warning. You do not get a caution light or an alarm. You just need to be prepared. What I have come to recognize as tell-tale signs of inevitable ghosting are as follows:

One-word responses.

They are no longer eager to speak to you.

You don’t hang out because there’s an excuse on their end — they are always busy.

They don’t return phone calls or respond to text messages when they did so in the past.

They aren’t the least bit concerned about your well-being.

If you don’t reach out to them, they won’t acknowledge you: a one-sided relationship ensues.

If there have ever been at least three of the above things taking place, ghosting surely followed. Therapy is teaching me not to hold onto people, not to cling to them regardless of the years invested or how we’ve come to be. I am learning that everyone makes their beds and everyone has to lie in them.

If we are faced with the potential ending of a long-standing friendship or relationship and it is not being communicated verbally by the ghoster, chasing after them won’t stop them from running — trying to get them to stay won’t ensure their presence.

They Want To Leave.

Let them. Move out of their way. If it is in the plans for them to return to you or reconnect, they will. But you have to be willing to let them run or disappear because it is going to happen and there is no stopping it. When walls are actively tumbling down, one person cannot stop them from falling.

You have to be open enough to the possibility of certain relationships reaching their end-date. It happens . . . It is life and life surely does not stop for any of us.

I am learning to appreciate the beautiful takeaways of loving these two people and holding space for them, should they ever pop back into my life for a season. Holding space, to me, does not mean waiting around for them, it is me simply having a spot in my heart ready for them when or if they ever return and loving them while they’re away.

It is me knowing that running is sometimes the answer to one’s problems and respecting that. It is me knowing that time shifts and people grow into beings we may not recognize and these strangers must flee away from us for however long it may be — even if it is forever.

Make no mistake, I am mourning my losses. I am grieving their disappearance and distance, but I will not chase them. I will not cloud them with my worry and my sensitivities. They want the air at their backs and new waves slapping their faces. I understand this and I have stepped aside . . .

They are free to run away.


Originally published in P. S. I Love You via Medium. The link share is a friend link as this is a piece behind the paywall. Thank you for reading.

15 thoughts on “I Will Not Chase You

  • Well written trE. I am sorry for your loss. I’ve been there, for sure. One thing I always try to do when a relationship ends is figure out what I learned from it. I think there’s a lesson in all of them for us. Much love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! Yes, it is apparent that I must takeaway some good with the bad of it all and the older I get, the more I realize this.

      Like

  • Wow, this is a thoughtful and kind idea.

    I like to think that the people I love have enough integrity to tell me they no longer need me, despite the pain. I tell them that. I learnt what it was like to keep wondering and don’t need that in my life anymore.

    I like that you keep a space for them. It says a lot about who you are.

    Liked by 1 person

  • Wow, this is a thoughtful and kind idea.

    I like to think that the people I love have enough integrity to tell me they no longer need me, despite the pain. I tell them that. I learnt what it was like to keep wondering and don’t need that in my life anymore.

    I like that you keep a space for them. It says a lot about who you are.

    Liked by 2 people

  • Dear Tre, I feel and understand your post. Unfortunately I have a similar experience and all the signs you listed were present – I just didn’t know. Though painful to begin with, I did realize the same as you did wisely – to let them go and each of us to find our freedom.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Amen. That’s what you have to do sometimes, Pragal. Just back up and move out of the way because they’re leaving and nothing will stop them. Thank you for reading.

      Liked by 1 person

  • I’d rather someone tell me to go ‘F-Off’ than to ghost me. Their silence is a message in itself. Don’t chase them darlin’… you’re worth much more than that!

    I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and drowned my sorrows in tacos. Because… tacos!!! 🌮😋

    Liked by 2 people

Comments are closed.