I Have An Appointment. Hello, Anxiety.
Lately, it has become evident that the walls are tumbling down around me and trying to steady them — maintain their stillness is lost on me. I am intelligent enough to know when I have to pull back. Essentially, I had to come to grips with pulling back, letting go, and letting someone else tackle the very fabric of my being in hopes of stitching me back together again. I think I told one of my loved ones something along the lines of, “I just need some help piecing me back together again. I am tired of feeling jigsawed.” Searching for a therapist is taxing. In my area, there are so many professionals who do what they do, but how many of them will do it the way that I need/prefer?
I did my research. I took names of establishments, opinions from others, and logged on to my computer with the information given. Thankfully, I am in the medical field as well as my cousin, and knowing what we know, it was not as hard for me to select an entity that made the cut. The one that I did select has everything that I am looking to experience in a center that has counselors, psychiatrists, etc., who also take the natural approach when aiming to better someone’s mental health. My fear has always been landing a therapist who feigns listening, writes me a prescription, then schedules me for another visit where the same thing occurs. No, thank you.
I want to be heard. I want this person to help me continue to break down what is going on and assist in leading me back to a path that keeps me from shaming myself, feeling as though I want to hurt/harm/kill myself, and to understand that I know from where everything is coming, I need a better understanding of why…Over the past year, I have been struggling with feelings of worthlessness from being rejected, not to mention trying to maintain everything on my own with no break, thus being exhausted. I have had a few people make commitments, then back out on them, numerous times. Add in my work schedule and the fact that I began a new job (after being in a toxic environment with my last employer for five years) with an organization that I love and my supervisor recently expressed to us that she is leaving to take on a new adventure and the flood not only hovered over me, it dropped down and my levees broke.
I was trying to get to a place where happiness could hold me a little tighter than it had and just when I thought I was getting there, life happened. Life always happens. To say that my supervisor is the glue for our team is an understatement. She has taken a team of seven women, all from different backgrounds and spanning across different age ranges and turned us into “The Dream Team.” At my job, we get things done and we know how to properly because of her. Getting that news — the last straw for the camel’s back, shattered me. It has been eons since I felt as though I belonged in my workplace, since I felt no pressure to overexert myself, or take on the tasks of someone else because they will not or cannot do them. I finally felt at home.
On that day, I felt everything that I felt in my teens — neglect, abandonment, feeling as though I was to blame, etc. And since that day, I cannot (un)feel those emotions. I submitted my inquiry. I filled out the questionnaire about my background and what I am looking for in a therapist. I corresponded with their New Client Intake Personnel and landed an appointment, and now, I wait. Next week, I will begin a journey that I have fretted for quite some time, but now — now, I am ready. Having done all of this, fear is creeping in and it has decided to bring its buddy anxiety and they are having some sort of weird shindig in my head and I just want to belt this initial appointment and move into a helpful routine.
I am asking myself off-the-wall questions like: “What will she think of me?” “Will there be a diagnosis?” “If so, when?” “What will the diagnosis be, will it be correct?” “Will she suggest medication and how will I react to that?” Every question that I can think of has greeted me and today, I finally said — “No more, you’ve bitten the bullet, now wait.” And I have to tell myself this in order to stop the questions, in order to get through my days.
The most important thing now is that I have taken the first step. Everything else that comes along will be managed, dealt with, and entertained when each bridge presents itself.
I am finally ready to cross them.
Originally published in A Cornered Gurlvia Medium.
My journey began here:
Sending You so much Love. God. Give Yourself a huge hug and TONS of credit!!! I’m like You in that when I’ve gone to therapy I want someone to help me come up with tools and ways to work through things….positive growth; not feign listening and not enabling me to stay in the same place so I come back again and again. There are so many styles of therapy out there and I reckon that’s good because we all hear/work/understand life differently. But man, Tre!!! You are CRYSTAL CLEAR on what kind of help You are looking for and how You want to proceed. That’s WONDERFUL!!! Seriously! You are strong, brave and courageous and SOOOO SMART! Rock on and Bon Voyage! ❤️❤️❤️!!!
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Thank you, Katy! I appreciate every word here!
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🤗💖😊!!!
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It’s not easy looking for that one therapist who truly cares without them seeing the dollar sign…keeping you in mind, Tre!
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Thank you, Tien. I hope all goes well on Wednesday. Peace, Tien.
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Thinking of you and sending you my love. One step at a time… 💚
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Hey, you. It’s late, but I’m so happy to see you just the same. Thank you, Mags.
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Hope your Sunday is going well. ((((HUGS))))
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Thank you, love. It is. I hope yours is just as lovely. I sent you a Skype message.
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I had a lovely, restful weekend – thank you. I finally saw your Skype message… thanks for the gorgeous pictures! 🖤
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You’re welcome.
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Wishing you the very best. I’ll be thinking of you, trE. ❤️
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Peace, Betty. Thank you.
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Oh, good luck trE, hope you find the best therapist 🙂 ❤
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I hope this one will be a great one. I’ll know in the first fifteen minutes. Lol. Thank you, Ogden!
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I did it for almost (2) years, it’s good to have that soundboard, mirror, professional person to talk to.
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*big hugs*
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I hope you have found the right person to give you the help you need trE. Will be thinking of you next week. Hugs.
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Thank you, Peter. I hope so too! I’ll do updates.
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I feel your frustration as I am dealing with my own medical/insurance issues. It really sucks when you need a problem solved and can’t get the help you need. I pray you find help, peace, and comfort…you deserve it! You are the sweetest, most helpful person, I hate to see you suffering with all of this. (Hugs)
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I am good, thankfully, appointment wise. I have one, it’s next week, and my insurance covers it. I really and truly just hated the searching, you know? Everything is so complicated nowadays. Thank you, Kim. I wish you peace with whatever you’re dealing with.
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Thank you, medical issues with my knee and other stuff. My husband has new insurance that absolutely sucks, so I can’t get an mri that the dr needs to be able to treat me correctly. Isn’t it a shame what our healthcare system has become?
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Yes, yes, it is. And I know all about how frustrating that must be. I work in an imaging facility and there are insurance carriers that deny MRIs wanting the patient to have physical therapy, a CT Scan, etc. first. If your deductible is high, check with some imaging facilities in your area and see what the cash price is for the type of MRI (I am guessing they want an MRI Knee W/O contrast) your doctor wants. It may be cheaper for you to pay out of pocket for it than file your insurance anyway.
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Yes it would be if he didn’t want the Zimmer Protocol. This limits me to a specific imaging place I’m afraid, but I might call around and check anyway.
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*sighs* These doctors, really. I think if they had to pay for all the services they ordered that are outside of the realm of what they wanted done without following initial steps first, they wouldn’t be as gung ho to order them. Then again, it pays to be unorthodox in some instances. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. *sighs*
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It’s nice to talk to someone who understands 😊
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🖤 The game isn’t being played right anymore. We’re all just pieces to them, money… money keeps them afloat. *big hugs* I hope a masterplan comes your way and frees you of your chronic knee pain. That is my prayer. Peace, Kim.
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Thank you Tre 😊
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You are very much welcome.
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