Nectar

Aging and Loneliness

Maria Mekht|Unsplash

In the South, if you are somewhat of a loner and you do not surround yourself with what is new and improved or… what is, who is, and how things are trending, it is easy to fall deeper into the grips of loneliness. Ten years ago, I had a knack for busying myself with things that did not matter much, with things that seemed to fill a pressing void, but as I age, there is no nectar sweet enough to ease the ailments that I have grown prone to feeling.

I cannot lean back into the memories of what got me through the horny nights and draining days. Let me be frank, the other side of the bed is colder than a polar bear’s shoulder and I have forgotten how to right that. Every once in a while, I will poke my head out, look up, down, and all around to see if anyone meets my gaze. I cannot find my half. There is no Adam, no Eve, I am no one’s rib.

I am no one’s end-of-the-day highlight.

The older that I become, the easier it is to see that I have settled into a place where rejection often sends the damned for taking chances in trying to find love but have given up. The cause remains a cause but fighting for it weakens me. I want to feel sweet all over, taken… pressed into like a perfect pitch. I want to be a home run. I want to be sizzling bacon, the welcome smell of soul food in a packed restaurant. Is my tea no longer sweet?

Am I lacking sugar?

I want to be and I don’t want to be all at once. That is a conundrum that renders no solution. I have my own shoes to fill and they seem bottomless. Human beings want to love. We want to be loved. We want to share our lovely love with others who love. This shit should not be hard, but it is. And I digress. I want the taste of pineapple dripping from my lips, the delicate corners of apple slices sticking to my fingers, and buttermilk pancakes loaded with maple syrup. I want the ickiness of it all to drown me then pull me up and out of the water, and guide me safely to shore.

Black women are not attracted to me. Black men are intimidated by me. I am too this or too that to be loved by my own and I have no home anywhere else. I am trapped within the ins and outs of aging with no my place of sweetness to call mine.

I am nectar in waiting.

Someone whole enough will come around to take a bite out of me. I know this. I also know that when the heart is dead-set on shifting gears and loving, it wants what it wants.

In the South, I do not stand out. And what’s worse than any of this…

I don’t know how to.


Originally published on Medium

20 thoughts on “Nectar

  • TrE, I’ve been holding onto this until I could read it and comment thoughtfully, at least, what I hope is thoughtfully. First of all, let me assure you that you stand out! In many ways, not the least of which is your gift that you share with us here.

    But you know I get what you are talking about. I think it’s a wonderful thing to honor your emotions and feelings as you have done here. For me the next step is to let those things go. Not in the sense that you would no longer want them, because that’s ridiculous. We all want to be loved and cared for and have that sweetness on our lips. Just once you’ve done what you’ve done here, I bet you will find that the emotions are satisfied, you have recognized them, and spoken for them, and put your intention out there, and as I found out, the right people will walk into your life at the exact right time, when you are completely ready for them.

    But you know this….I know you do. I have just walked in such similar shoes for so long, and finally surrendered. I just told God one day that it’s in His hands, and whatever he chose to do with it was ok with me. You know the rest of the story…..

    Love you trE. You are a beautiful, decent, smart honorable woman and the right one will walk into your life and not even be able to believe that here you were here, looking for him or her. That’s my vision for you. (It was my vision for me too!) You feel like you’re aging, but in my eyes you are young with most of your life in front of you.

    Blessings trE. I know you’ll find what you’re looking for.

    – Deb
    PS This is a poem I kept open on my phone fora couple years. I kept thinking, that’s the one I want, the one she’s talking about. You may already know the poem, but in case you don’t…: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/the-invitation-by-oriah-mountain-dreamer

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  • Did it help getting it all out? I hope so. Life’s funny. This seemingly endless cycle of days and nights. What I’ve learnt is that it only takes a day for something to happen. Be fearless.

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  • Dear Tre your writing drips with a sweetness that doesn’t come from sugar but within you. Your words invoke all the feelings you seek. There is so much love available for you – from where these words come.
    Someone once made me realize that my neediness is very valid and mine to fill first – only then I become capable of receiving what I am looking for. That was huge for me to realize – I am continually filling my cup of self -worth through divine sources/spiritual practices and opportunities to be of service. Otherwise yes I too get caught up in the experience of being too this or too that for anyone around. I continually let go of seeing myself through others eyes – it is an ongoing practice. It is a thin edge for me to fall in too much with myself and become lonely. Hope my sharing helps 🙂 Wish you all the ease & joy!

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    • Pragal, thank you. I am upset with myself on so many levels for sinking, but at the same time, want to give my emotions the proper space to be aired out momentarily. It is a long road to toil alone. I am actually looking into therapy and awaiting an appointment time.

      It’s time. I keep taking on things of others and I am worn thin. It’s simply time to get everything aligned accordingly once again and I cannot do it on my own. I recognize that.

      Again, thank you for this.

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      • So much gentleness to you my friend. This is a passing phase and you are so brave to recognize and act on what you need. Aware souls do not stay stuck where they are – I see that in you as how I see it in me. Sending your way all the nourishing juice of life with much love. Take your time and you will find the flow.

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  • Tre, lady, you are GOLD. I was thinking do you have any literary festivals where you are? Maybe your special someone also has a love of words? Sending you positive wishes dear friend, xox

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