You pick. You poke. You prod. I have noticed the change in you and I am of sound mind. I am a whole spirit. I still have my good heart and I thought you had yours, but you are unveiling a side to you that I have never known. And then, we have never been what we are now. Open. Honest. We have always walked on eggshells, scared to reveal our true selves to each other. Yet, there was love.
Yet —
There Was
US.
I will admit, there are pieces of me I now feel should have remain caged, but then this bird would not sing. There would not be a tune to share and ears to hear it as it flows melodiously through the clouds. I am slowly moving forward. I am clearing a way for desperate dreams. I will not deny you the deepest parts of me if you will give me your word that you will keep them safe. And I do not think you will give me your word. I do not think you will trust yourself enough to understand what we went through. What I went through while being with you.
I do not need any more egocentric fools racing to bid on my sanity — how long will I have it? When will I break? I thought, because I want to believe in the good in you than evil, that you would fight to remain beautiful. And not the type of beauty that’s plastered on magazine covers or as subjects of famous paintings, but the beauty that comes from waking up next to someone who spent thirty seconds gently rubbing your forehead and whispering to you until your eyes opened. Or the beauty that comes from watching a toddler take his first steps, giggling at the momentous achievement.
I wanted your beauty to last so that when I looked at you, I would remember what made me love you.
But like all things that need sweeping and clearing, it did not. We did not. And it started long ago when I confessed to sleeping with a woman. I did not take the time to understand how the newness of the news shaped you. Changed you. Cut you open and split you at the seams. From that day, nothing was the same. There was no going back.
You ran after God, sure that if you caught him, the pain that you felt would dissipate. Prayerful that if you caught him, that I would not be who I am versus who I was. You thought that if you could attack God fiercely and dig deep enough to learn all there is to know of him, that I would change. And there would be another woman and another and then you again. Because you had a part of me that no one else could get.
The mountain in me sloped intensely and I knew one day, you would get tired of risking your life to reach the top. I was selfish then. I wanted what I wanted and could get it without much effort. That is the downside to being young, manipulative, and weak. We do not realize the damage done to others until the same begins to happen to us. Someone said they saw you happy, that you asked of me in a way that sounded more like you wondering if I was finally happy too, rather than truly wanting to know of me — of my life.
I was happy to hear that you settled again. That you are still preaching, leading a flock to fields of endless dreams. You are still chasing God. All the while oblivious to the fact that you had Him in you the whole time.
If I ever see you again, years from today, moons from tomorrow, I would tell you to climb the mountain once more and take special care this time.
She’ll probably let you reach the top.
I’ve got a seed in the ground
That he’s blessing
No more stressing.
I’ve got a seed in the ground
And it’s growing
Now it’s showing.
This is my season, for grace for favor.
This is my season to reap what I have sown.
Originally published in A Cornered Gurl via Medium
Wow, Tre. I love your honesty and soul in this .
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Thank you, Lisa!
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SO many amazing, authentic statements here that felt like profound truths quoted – and they are truly! Feels a privilege to get to read Tre, this is Beautiful!
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Thank you, Pragal. I really appreciate it.
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“The mountain in me sloped intensely and I knew one day, you would get tired of risking your life to reach the top.” Your authenticity and eloquence never cease to amaze me, Tre. ❤
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*big hugs*
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Happy Friday!
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Hello, love. Happy Friday to you too! 💜
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A fine piece of introspection my friend, and I have a feeling you’re nowhere near done yet, keep on keeping on as it is amazing work Tre ❤
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You are plumbing the depths of you in ways that I admire, envy, and fear. Fear because I feel like reading works like this is an intrusion upon you… but I’m honored to be able to read you like this.
This is an amazing confessional. I love that you know who you are.
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Thank you, Barry. If I share it, then you’re good to read, view, and get down and dirty with it. Lol.
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yes, yes Amen
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Peace, Krissy.
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Truth 💓
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💙
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